Damn this is confusing

[clyrc]

I got divorced last spring, but I had to keep it secret for a while. I was married to a fellow DUer who hopefully doesn't ever come to this part of DU... I was glad, mostly, to get the divorce. I thought I was only sad for my daughters' sakes, because they love their dad and I never wanted to make them live through divorce. Since we moved back to the US, it's been this weird truce between the two of us, which works sometimes but not all the time. I am living in his childhood home, a house in city in a state I don't like, for the sake of my girls. I'm working at the family thrift store, which is also weird and I have to explain the situation to just about a customer a day because so many people know the ex's parents and they ask me questions. Ok, I'm an adult, I can take it.

But. The ex is leaving, probably for a few months, to be with his fiance and his two year old son. I tell myself I am sad about it because for the first time my girls will be away from their dad for the holidays, with the knowledge that he is with his other family.
But the fact is, it makes me sad too. Really sad. I don't want to get back together with him. But I know that when he comes back there will be another fucking period of adjustment, and we've all been through too much of that lately. The last two weekends, I've meant to do something productive around the house, but I just sit on the couch and cry.

When the ex leaves, I will also have to pay the electricity and phone bills, which he was paying as part of the child support. For the holidays, I will be flat broke, and the girls and I need winter clothes and shoes because we lived in the desert for nine years and we are coming back to what seems like will be a cold winter in Florida. Right now I'm trying to figure out how to get the things I have to have, and I will probably have to sell some jewelry. I guess I should be happy I have some to sell.

But the resentment and sadness and isolation and lack of friends and having no money and being afraid this will always be the way it is is just too hard. I've become a little unhinged. I decided a long time ago that my motto is "Make things better and not worse" and that's at least a good guideline, but sometimes I just can't do it. Sometimes it's impossible to stop myself from simply despairing. I don't even understand myself right now and I want to understand but I think this isn't actually the right time for understanding, it's the time for action and forgiving myself if trying doesn't work out like I want it to.

To be fair, I do have my mom and sister for limited sympathy, on the phone. I have a fiance myself, who cheers me up when we chat over the internet. I've talked a little to anyone who would listen, even knowing I'm a huge vat of neediness and people don't like that.
I try to balance what I feel I need with not being too much trouble to other people, who have troubles themselves. I'm trying to change the way I think, and the widen the things I dare to do.

And still, everything is hard.