WTH! Another suicide in barely over a month.

[crimycarny]

21. Today's a tough day

Thanks for checking in. The worst part of my son's suicide is the guilt I feel for not realizing the weight he was struggling under. Looking back he was struggling with how to get back into the real world once it looked like COVID was easing. Though a high achiever change and challenges created deep anxiety in him. COVID gave him a break because it was "ok" to ease up on expectations. He graduated from UC Davis right in the middle of COVID lockdown so any movement into a career was halted. I think that was a big factor in adding to his anxiety once it looked like COVID was winding down. It's like merging onto a highway while already moving versus having to try and get on the highway when completely stopped. If he'd been in his normal routine, not halted, I think it would have been easier for him to ease into the next phase of his life.

My thinking was if I could help ease him into this next stage his anxiety would ease and thus his depression would lift. What I know now is that he was struggling with suicidal depression, not manageable depression caused by his normal anxiety of what to do next. It wasn't his normal anxiety, it was off the charts terror and was consuming him. He saw all his friends moving on without any fear and he felt something was wrong with him for not being able to do the same. That his fear meant he was flawed, a loser, and his self-loathing was through the roof. I didn't know how deep his self-loathing was until after he killed himself and we found notes along with some posts he'd made on Reddit. I will never ever forgive myself for not understanding the weight he was laboring under. Never.