I've lost three close family members to suicide: my aunt in 1981, my brother in 1996, and my nephew in 2014. Suicide leaves most people with "survivor's guilt", a feeling that had they known, they could have done something to prevent the suicide. Had the person who died died from lung cancer, you would still be deeply hurt and grieving, but you wouldn't feel guilt because you didn't make the person quit smoking, e.g. .
The only advice I can give you is to tell you that it's OK to feel how you feel, be it sad, be it angry, be it bewildered, etc., but DON'T blame yourself. Surround yourself with people who love and support you and please talk to a professional and get grief counseling-- it works. While you can never "get over it", like some people think, you can get through it. Your grief will always be there, but it won't be crippling and self-destructive.
I wish I could put my arms around you and hold you while you just let go, I can't. What I can do is tell you that your feelings are normal, and millions of us know the pain that goes with suicide. Sending you a virtual hug!
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