dolly,
i hope so much that you have at least a bit of a support system. a good friend or two? another (close) family member.
is it possible for you to stay with her? overnight?
have you talked to her about what is happening? i tried with my mom--and i tried to be strong while we talked and she knew i was completely torn up over it. she died of cancer and the bizarre thing was we didn't even know she had it until two weeks before she passed on from it. and it wasn't until one week before she passed that the docs told me she might qualify for hospic--but they expected her to live longer than six months.
we must have said "i love you" a thousand times. we were so unprepared for this. it happened so quickly. it was probably the most difficult thing i've ever said--telling her it was okay to let go--that i would be fine (which i seriously doubted), that everything would be fine (knowing it would never be the same again). i told her she'd be able to see her mom and dad, and her sister, and my dad. and a hundred more times saying "i love you."
one of the most important things, i feel, i said to her was this: "i don't know how i'm going to do it--but i will find you again, mommy. i will find you again someday." and she looked at me hopefully and asked, "do you really think so?" and i nodded and said, "yes. i will find you--and we'll be together again."
i am so glad i told her that--and i felt so determined, and so completely certain that it was true--that it was something that i coulld absolutely accomplish because i loved her so much.
and with all the ADC that's been around this house for over two years (the signs and signals, the sound of the knocking between her bedroom wall and the living room wall in a rhythm we used as a signal to each other, the flashing light that hadn't worked in years and decided to randomly turn on and off for a few months, the tv shutting itself off, the smell of her perfume--so often, and the smell of buttered popcorn that hasn't been in this house since i made it for her the last time she had some--the synchronicities of so very many things--and when i ask her to give me a sign to let me know she's here i usually get it) the irony is she found me first.
the hardest thing was telling her it was okay to let go. probably one of the kindest as well. it so wasn't okay--but it had to be because, so suddenly, she couldn't stay.
tell her everything you need to tell her for now. even if she's medicated or sleeping. but even if you don't i'm sure your mom already knows. of course she knows.
i am so sorry to hear this about your mom. i've been under the impression that you have a small family like i do (it was just me and my mom and my daughter. at least i still have my daughter). but i hope i'm wrong--i hope so much you have someone who will help you through this change in your life--this next chapter. i don't want you to be alone.
my mom was my rock and my best friend too.
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