The Shift -- in my financial being?

[magical thyme]

Quick backgrounder: I've lived pretty close to the bone since my 20s, saved 50%+ of every raise, lived below my means in the 90s, in a 3 room cheap condo when I could afford a house. I always paid my bills off every month. Early in the credit card days, I occasionally split an extra large bill, such as car repair, over 2 months. But when I saw the amount of interest tacked on, I returned to biting the bullet and paying them off immediately. Risk averse, etc.

In the 90s when my career took off, I paid my mortgage off fast -- within 10 years -- and although I looked and looked at houses and farms, prices were rising so fast I just couldn't get myself to move...really, to take on debt. So I just saved and saved for a bigger and bigger down payment. Then came the hi-tech crash followed my 9/11, and my career in the aftermath. And I realized there were places I could I could by cash, and still have left over to start over.

Since then, I've been defrauded and robbed repeatedly, and lost savings to unemployment until nearly broke. First my property, with half the land I paid for. My property trashed with bulldozer 3 weeks after I moved in. My identity -- complete with SSN and more -- stolen by a former colleague.

And then I took a big risk and took on student loans to go to school for a new career. I did my homework: federal government projected 14% growth/year, government statistics of median wages, called local hospital to get salary ranges. It all worked out so I should have been able to squeak by working 3 days/week and be comfortable working 4. I planned to either 1. sell my house to pay off the loans with enough left over to start over, or 2. pay off the loans in the standard 10 years and be free of them.

And then last spring when I got the job offer -- part time, per diem 1-2 days/week. And the starting salary was 25% lower than I'd been led to understand. This last is critical. I have felt lied to and cheated once again. And I've been in a panic as to how to get by ever since. I have cut expenses to the bone: heating the house to only 53, growing my own veggies and fruit, buying in bulk only when food is on sale, no extras at all for me. And despite my best efforts over 3 years, I've been unable to sell. Nobody can get a mortgage.

The bottom line was there was no way I was going to be able to continue like this. Management tried to bully me a few weeks ago into working full time nights. It was really, really ugly. But my health is the one thing they haven't destroyed and this would destroy it, so I refused. There was no way I could make it through the next 10 months, let alone 10 years. And I'm tired, people. Dead freakin' bone tired. School was supposed to help me start over. Instead, it broke my life and spirit into pieces.

Then I hit bottom and let go. Seriously, I was ready to rent a van, drive the animals to Best Friends and check out. Done. Finis. Stick a fork in her!

My identity is gone. Who am I anyway? A credit rating? Prey for sharks? A debt slave? A slave to the fear of debt? Better I use up my hard-earned 800+ credit rating than some identity stealing thug.

I was contacted by a real estate investment shark that offers seriously lowball cash for your house. I decided the house and my life are already gone, so I responded to their emails with the intent of dumping the house. The sharks vanished. I couldn't even unload my house at a rock bottom total loss!

And then, on another board, someone reached out and advised me that the new Income Based Repayment for student loans slashes the payments to as low as zero. My understanding was that they couldn't charge more than 15% of your gross or net...but I never saw anything that indicated they'd be lower than that!!!!!! Much, much lower.

In one afternoon I shifted from someone who intended to be debt-free for life to someone who expects to die with large unpaid debts. I. Don't. Care. I did my part, and then some. The system failed me over and over. The system owes me.

In one phone call, my student loans were deferred for 2 months and the forms for IBR sent to me. After 25 years of very low income and very low payments -- a fraction of the original amount -- the balance will be forgiven. I'll owe income taxes on the forgiven portion. Assuming I live to 83, lol!

In a couple months, I may qualify for Liheap fuel assistance, and from there for free insulation and energy retrofits. If not, I'll call Joe4Oil.

The income I'm not spending on student loans will hopefully be saved to replace my car when the time comes, or even to add a wood/pellet stove if I can.

After the phone call I turned the thermostat up to 58 degrees, bought 2 packages of brownies, a small bag of chips, a chocolate bar and a new purse. Small extravagances denied for too long.