Mental Health Support

stillcool

(34,383 posts)

31. I got divorced from what I knew as 'family'

Tue May 13, 2025, 05:02 PM

May 13

several times, but the last one was final. It's been over 20 years now, and they've been dying off. I married an orphan who like your husband encouraged me to let them go. I never wanted children or any family of my own. Scared the bejesus out of me. Life is so frigging hard. I explained to the matriarch that it was me, not her that necessitated my action. Every time I spoke with her I was instantly snapped back into the high drama of time spent there. I suppose it was different because they weren't 'really' my family, but according to her I owed them big time for not ending up as a 'ward of the state'. That 'family' thing can be so detrimental. I wish you well on your journey. We are all alike, and we are all so very different. Doing what 'you' need to do for you, what feels right, is your choice to make. Pro's and Con's and all that. I didn't live near them anymore either, so didn't have to listen to the party-line bull either. My husband of over 30 years died recently, and left me much stronger because of our ability to find our own way. Just do you.

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LiberalLoner Tikki SheltieLover susanr516 raging moderate

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There is something that confuses me a great deal...the concept of "family." [View all] LiberalLoner May 13 OP

I don't believe you have any obligation to be around anyone, family or not, that mistreats you let alone abuses you. MLAA May 13 #1

Thank you so much!!! 💙💙💙💙 LiberalLoner May 13 #2

People who get angry at us for setting boundaries Basso8vb May 13 #3

Thank you so much! My husband is so happy I have set boundaries and is very afraid I might let them back in. I won't.💙 LiberalLoner May 13 #5

Having to scapegoat somebody else terrifies them as any one of them could be "it" SheltieLover May 13 #3

Thank you so so much! 💙💙💙. I think they are just angry to lose their favorite punching bag. They don't LiberalLoner May 13 #6

Absolutely! And they absolutely will turn on someone else now that you've extricated yourself SheltieLover May 13 #8

💙💙💙💙poor next scapegoat. LiberalLoner May 13 #11

I hear you, LiberalLoner. And I feel/felt your pain -- especially from the guilt. But no more punching bag here either. wordstroken May 14 #42

Thank you so much! 💙💙💙. I am glad you escaped, too. 🤗🤗🤗🤗 LiberalLoner May 14 #43

Your husband is correct synni May 13 #7

Thank you so much! I will try to! 💙💙💙 LiberalLoner May 13 #13

Great book: "Scapegoat Complex" SheltieLover May 13 #9

Thank you so so much! 💙💙💙💙. I will find it and read it, even if it is triggering. It might help explain why LiberalLoner May 13 #14

I just bought the kindle by that author that I think will help me a lot, thanks so much! 💙💙💙I do have C-PTSD which LiberalLoner May 13 #17

Absolutely it is very common for dysfunctional families to scapegoat one member. SheltieLover May 14 #48

Perfect example! SheltieLover May 13 #22

Thank you so so much for being so kind and wonderful! 💙💙💙💙💙 LiberalLoner May 13 #23

You are most welcome! SheltieLover May 14 #49

Excellent advice. Thank you, SheltieLover. wordstroken May 14 #47

Hi Words SheltieLover May 14 #50

Will definitely do. Thanks again, Sheltie wordstroken May 14 #53

You might also enjoy looking up testimonials on You Tube regarding Internal Family Systems (re: "No Bad Parts" book) SheltieLover May 14 #51

On it. wordstroken May 14 #54

Blood is not necessarily family. Hope22 May 13 #10

Thank you so so much. 💙💙💙 I wish you peace and safety, and all the best. 💙💙💙 LiberalLoner May 13 #15

Keeping close to abusive people, family or not, is masochism NoRethugFriends May 13 #12

That's what I always thought too, but the outcry when you go no contact is just deafening, you know? And I wonder why. LiberalLoner May 13 #16

Because that loses them their target for abuse and ugliness. niyad May 13 #19

Thank you 💙💙💙 LiberalLoner May 13 #24

A lot of people in society have a Hallmark Cards view of reality spooky3 May 13 #20

Thank you so so much 💙💙💙 LiberalLoner May 13 #25

A couple of points from my personal view: the concept of "family" that is niyad May 13 #18

Thank you so so much! 💙💙💙💙 I stayed close to my fellow scapegoated stepsister, she is awesome. LiberalLoner May 13 #26

Maybe a new definition of family would help. Perhaps it really is not defined by who you share DNA with! Amaryllis May 13 #28

I couldn't agree more, Niyad! SheltieLover May 14 #52

Thank you get the red out May 13 #21

OMG walking on eggshells like that is classic being a scapegoat or abuse victim! You were abused too as badly as I was LiberalLoner May 13 #27

I have always defined family in different ways. Lonestarblue May 13 #29

Very wise 💙💙💙💙 LiberalLoner May 13 #30

I got divorced from what I knew as 'family' stillcool May 13 #31

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how hard it is to endure such a loss. 💙💙💙💙💙 LiberalLoner May 13 #32

Thank you. I was surprised... stillcool May 13 #34

💙💙💙🤗🤗🤗 LiberalLoner May 14 #44

Growing up in an abusive family, I can attest NO CONTACT is best. They rarely ever accept the Clouds Passing May 13 #33

💙💙💙🤗🤗🤗. Funny thing is, they are the ones who appear, or are, "normal" to the outside world. LiberalLoner May 14 #45

KnR Give Peace A Chance May 13 #35

💙💙💙🤗🤗🤗 I mostly daydreamed about suicide every day. Thought about dashing in front of a school bus. LiberalLoner May 14 #46

Life is hard, families fight...but clearly yours must have gone far past the point of deserving forgiveness lostnfound May 13 #36

Thank you so much! 💙💙💙some of it is them simply not admitting, or downplaying the abuse....for example, my LiberalLoner May 13 #40

Make sure to keep a proper distance. Even in good families. Festivito May 13 #37

A restraining order is probably most appropriate for my family of origin. Thank you so much! 💙💙💙💙 LiberalLoner May 13 #38

No...toxic family are not. Tikki May 13 #39

Yes, thank you...💙💙💙 I regret ever exposing my husband to my toxic family. I wish I had not. LiberalLoner May 13 #41

""fambly is everything, you MUST stay close to all of us! How dare you go away?"" OldBaldy1701E May 15 #55

This message was self-deleted by its author LiberalLoner May 15 #56

This message was self-deleted by its author LiberalLoner May 15 #57

I'm sorry you had difficulties with your family. "A family who will help you grow, even when you don't want to...". LiberalLoner May 15 #58

So many people mistakenly think that those who wish to "make you grow against your will" LiberalLoner May 15 #59

The first poem I ever wrote. Just a rhyming couplet, not anything like a real poem, and actually I have LiberalLoner May 15 #60

...... LiberalLoner May 15 #61

And not to change the subject, but just how brilliant is Mr. Copeland's work on this song? Music like this makes life LiberalLoner May 15 #62

I wish you, and all the people who might read this, something infinitely nicer and better than what you wished for me. LiberalLoner May 15 #63

I will say, I believe love is possible between cats and humans, and dogs and humans. I believe in the concept of love LiberalLoner May 15 #64

One of the ways people tried to change me the past decade, I think, was to get me to stop giving my art away. I agreed LiberalLoner May 15 #65

I guess what I wish for everyone here is, a life free of bullies. LiberalLoner May 15 #66

In case some of the people reading this are part of the bullying group that has harmed me in recent years, I should LiberalLoner May 15 #67

My apologies then. (n/t) OldBaldy1701E May 15 #68

Thank you. 💙💙💙 LiberalLoner May 15 #69

I'm sorry, it's just that I've gone through an awful time these last few years, with two celebrities and their people LiberalLoner May 15 #70

"I don't trust anyone anymore." OldBaldy1701E May 16 #71

💙💙💙💙💙thank you. I am so sorry for what you've gone through and the scars you carry. It's not fair. LiberalLoner May 16 #72

PS. Got my second cataract surgery today. Resting at home. I am excited to see how my vision will turn out in the new LiberalLoner May 16 #73

Awesome! OldBaldy1701E May 17 #75

This message was self-deleted by its author LiberalLoner May 17 #74

"Friends are the family we choose for ourselves." sop May 17 #76

I'm in a place where it feels like millions of people hate me and want me dead, and LiberalLoner May 17 #77

Don't give up hope, there are a lot of good people out there. sop May 17 #78

Thank you. I would like to be allowed to come to a place where I can believe I am a person worthy of life. LiberalLoner May 17 #79

This message was self-deleted by its author LiberalLoner May 18 #80