I'm not ok... (rant about my adult son and his gf/baby in my house) SORRY, LONG!!!!!

[FirstLight]

Backtory: My son and I have a contentious and abusive/codependent relationship. He's been acting out since he was 14, and has always been that "handful child". I have handled him as well as a single mom with trauma/abbuse issues could. I am definitely no angel and we've had some good rows...I snap and yell or he does, etc, etc. We've rarely been physical, not since he was 17-18 or so, usually me trying to slap the mouth off h8im and his blocking me, or him beating on my door screaming) Anyways, not good, but often lots of 'normal' and funny loving family times. You know, I had a Dad who yelled at me and I see where it came from.
Anyway, his last leaving of the house was 2 years ago when my recent ex was here (she was still just a roomate) and I finally told him to go make his way in life, I'd given him enough. I'd bought him a car will an ill-advised loan and he'd also taken my atm card and charged up quite a fun life for himself...
Over the last 2 years, we'd been in and out of touch. He'd called me a few times on the skids to ask for help or to tell me how good he was doing. His life has been a rollercoaster and he's made some sketchy decisions and had some narly consequences. Last January, I got him and his sister (15 mos older, living in NC) and I a mutual meetup in Phoenix to celebrate her Bday and have a delayed C-mas. Everything was cool. I sent him on his way back to his life in colorado, which soon fell apart so he went to live with his sister & bf and that went sideways horribly after just a couple mos as well...he just can't hold his shit together. He needs real therapy I'm sure but he's also tried and tried to start over in his life and has usually better intentions than he did at 19. (It's probably BPD and depression, cuz I made rash decisions all through my 20s till I got meds)

When he left his sister's, he went to KS to live with a girl with a baby he'd met online. Her house was in horrible state and roaches everywhere...I helped them exterminate and get the place cleaned up ($$). By May of last year, my ex had entrenched herself as my partner, and when I had shoulder surgery and she kept me drugged up, she made up plenty of drama between my kids to block them and forbid me from speaking to them again. So, I had no idea what had happened after that...

So when the shit went down with River, I immediately asked my bestie to get me my kids back. But I hesitated with Devin because of our traumatic past and I knew I was wayyyy to raw to hear his drama or help his crisis, whatever it may be.
I finally deemed myself ok enough by Dec. 2 and I emailed him and told him what happened etc..told him I wasn't able to talk directly as I was too raw. Well, he and GF and baby were homeless, had traded their cars for a 30' RV with no electricity and were eating out of cans... So of course my guilt at deserting him and my mother instinct kicked in and I said...get HOME! I thought they would get the RV up to working and I could get them a space in Carson while he got a job down there or in Reno.
Now they are in River's old room and the baby's pack-n-play is in my office. It's been this way since they got here. I had no idea the RV was in such bad shape.

So here I am, a roommate in my own home again. Sequestered in my room, leaving them to be free to have the kitchen etc. She's a horrible housekeeper, and the kitchen is always a issue for me. I stopped eating meals with them and usually just make a sandwich and run away. can't even cook because it is just too much for me.
Meanwhile, it *was* nice not to spend C-mas alone, but I wish they'd been gone by my Bday on New Year's.
He got re-nstated with Amazon as a driver (I know *eyeroll*) but they had issues with his onboarding so there was delay. Oh, did I mention I bought him a $3K car? I'm also paying for deposit etc... cuz of course I am.

Meanwhile my stocks/savings are depleted to dangerous level. I sincerely HOPE that the inauguration makes them go back up cuz if not I may as well put in for an early Death, forget retirement!

They came home from errands arguing last night at 530, continued till 930...meanwhile the kid gets put to bed at 6 so they can fight. I made one comment for her to walk away and he jumped on me verbally to butt out and I just said that his raised voice was triggering to me and I needed them to take it elsewhere or stop. That was only 1/2 way through the argument... then she took a bath, and they watched Dexter. (All was "normal" this morning)
I sat back here sick to my stomach (literally) and tried to finish my homework. (Yeah, did I mention I re-started SCHOOL this week?)
Took a Valium at 1030 and went to bed. Woke up at 6am an scrolled for 2 hours, the only quiet time. Then went back to sleep till the baby crying or maybe playing IDK woke me up.

Had to clean my way to the coffee pot...now I'm back here again. Shaking as I write this.
I gave them the "get out" letter 2 days ago and woke up to them texting me at 3 am begging me not to make them and the baby homeless again.
He scrubbed the stove for me, took out the trash.
I'm stuck.

I did it again, let people into my home/life because I want to help and now I am trapped.

She's setting up apartment viewings for this week, hopefully his job will start too. Hopefully I can make it for a couple more weeks?

I had my FIRST real craving for a drink 2 days ago. and it scared TF outta me. I know how sick it will make me and so I moved on, but I stood there in the liquor aisle of the store too long for my own comfort.

God help me get through this.