I believe as a female I learned early on that my normal behavior was considered disruptive and obnoxious, and adjusted accordingly. I do have temporary moments to this day of impulsiveness where I disregard "normal behavior" and just do what I want
w repercussions.
At one time in my life I waitressed and was suprisingly great at it! It was super easy to "put on a show" for each table for 30 min interactions. I can do that. It's ongoing day in day out relationships I have no clue as to how to sustain. I've discovered before my epiphany that the way I handled family functions, or any type of social gathering I'd rattle off everything I learned that week, month, night before. I did not understand how strange it was until my siblings married and I just couldn't connect with the women in the family. I try mightily, but they exist in a different realm, white lies, omissions, nice just to be nice as opposed to honest, true, genuine. For instance, I will never comment on your car, dress, hair etc... Unless it truly catches my attention and I really like it.
It doesn't occur to me it's just a conversation starter and no one really means it. AND I'll never pry or prod about personal issues, because I think if you wanted to tell me you would. Like I do. I'd find it terribly upsetting if you asked about my Mother's death it wouldn't cause me to think you are caring. Just the opposite. So I think I appear uncaring waiting for someone to open up.
Now that "I Know" I'm digging deep to find an answer how to go forward. Do I disclose to family?? To repair damage I had no idea I'd done? Do I cut myself off from them to live comfortably w/o having to explain?? It's just so fresh right now. Jarring. Kind of feel like I'm on a ship at sea in a storm, alone. I have no one to confide in as I feel their perception of me is shaped by what they perceive to be normal that I'm not doing, nor have ever done. Do I just continue as is? Continue being attacked for my odd behavior, and feeling incredibly sad cause I meant no harm?? No idea.
I've had a 30 yr career, read at College level in 4th grade, own a home, my life is organized and stable. I feel I'm quite high functioning, but there are always cracks.... Right now I'm amazed after reading accounts of others that I've managed to get by all these years. Incredible, really
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