Hopelessness, fear, uncertainty of Covid 19 and relapsing during quarantine

[tulipsandroses]

I relapsed in quarantine because I was afraid of what was going to happen to me, the people I love, and the rest of the world in the wake of an international pandemic. The world feels like a scarier place than it used to be. It felt like alcohol was helping me cope with my fear, but actually, it was making everything worse.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/relapse-addiction-covid-19-pandemic_n_5ec2df95c5b684c3d6072376

I just read an article about relapsing during the shutdown. It made me lose the anger I felt about a loved one recently relapsing. I thought back to that day my loved one voiced concern about whether they would ever get their life back on track due to the shutdown and economy collapsing. The plan before the pandemic was to stabilize on meds and start looking for a job.

It did not occur to me that my loved one could be feeling the things the writer posed for her relapse. After all, loved one recently started new meds for bipolar d/o that seemed to work better than any other med in the past. I was ecstatic, I had not seen this side of my loved one in many years. This was the person I knew before bipolar d/o and later substance abuse took over.

Then it was like in an instant everything turned to shit. The all too familiar behaviors of addiction were present. The family member I loved was gone again. Replaced by the person, that is almost unrecognizable that I have seen for the last 5 years.

The only thing I felt was anger. You were doing so well, why did you fuck this up? I go through stages of grief concerning their mental health and substance abuse. I've gone through the denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance multiple times over.
I also understand that addiction is a brain disease. Not a moral failing. My anger is dissipating and I'm now starting to feel some acceptance of this relapse.