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Abolishinist

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31. For those not familiar with Atlas Shrugged, I offer the abridged version.

Thu May 8, 2025, 01:47 PM

May 8

AYN RAND
Hello, I'm Ayn Rand. I wrote a novel based on my Objectivist philosophy called The Fountainhead, but I don't think 700 pages was quite enough to get my point across, so I will write the exact same novel, only it will take 1100 pages this time.

READERS
Hey, great.

HEROINE
I'm Dagny Taggart. I am a railroad tycoon, woman-in-a-man's-world, stunningly beautiful heroine. I am the only person capable of running this railroad. I am the only woman in the universe worth a damn. I am also the only woman in the universe with a real job. I am basically the only woman in this novel.

LOVE INTEREST #1
I have worshiped you, the only woman in the universe worth a damn, from afar for my whole life.

HEROINE
That's nice.

LOVE INTEREST #2
I have worshiped you, the only woman in the universe worth a damn, naked on the forest floor. Yet I will nobly step aside in the name of noble idealism, despite the fact that I love you and want you, the only woman in the universe worth a damn, desperately.

HEROINE
Okay.

LOVE INTEREST #3
I worship you, the only woman in the universe worth a damn. Let us have creepy rape fantasy sex now. I will not ask permission to do all these kinky things to you, but luckily you want to be forced into all the kinky things, you dirty bitch.

HEROINE
This is clearly true love! Stick it in me.

ALL
Who is John Galt?

AYN RAND
I am not telling. Instead, please listen to someone pontificate about my Objectivist philosophy for a while.

SOMEONE
[Pontificates]

VILLAINS
There are many of us, but we are all exactly the same. We are caricatures of evil socialists and embodiments of pure evil. Let us create a perfect socialist world order ruled by the inept! We all suck! Socialism sucks! Ha ha!

HEROES
We are all exactly the same. We are noble and perfect and have very angular and insolent faces. We can read each other's minds and the minds of everyone else in this novel, leaving less room for misunderstanding and more room for pontificating. And we are all in love with Dagny Taggart, the only woman in the universe worth a damn.

ALL
Who is John Galt?

VILLAIN
[Threatens hero.]

HERO
[Flips coin]
If it's heads, I will gaze apathetically. If it's tails, I will laugh heartily.

VILLAIN
Although these are the only two things any of you heroes have done for the past 800 pages, I am shocked at this response! How could you! How dare you!?!

HERO
I will now pontificate about Ayn Rand's philosophy. It has been at least 50 pages since you've heard it.

AYN RAND
It is so convenient that all of my heroes are in perfect agreement about my philosophy so that their pontificating is so interchangeable.

ALL
Who is John Galt?

JOHN GALT
Hello. In this, the culmination of all the pontificating, I will explain Ayn Rand's philosophy for a full 57 pages. No, I am not kidding. This one monologue will last for 57 pages. Oh and also, I love Dagny.

DAGNY
I love you too. Man, this is really going to suck for Love Interest #3.

LOVE INTEREST #3
Despite my passionate love for you and enjoyment of our rape sex, and the fact that there is no other woman on earth worth a damn, and the fact that I sacrificed my life's passion on your behalf, and that I spent my entire fortune to get a divorce to be with you, I will now nobly step aside in the name of noble idealism.

DAGNY
Great! I will miss our creepy rape sex. Farewell.

LOVE INTEREST #3
Bye.

READER
Wait, what?

ATLAS
[Shrugs]

THE END

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9 members have recommended this reply (displayed in chronological order):

hatrack NNadir UpInArms ms liberty Easterncedar DavidDvorkin unweird Joinfortmill Morbius

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Highlight:

For any Ayn Rand fans: [View all] surfered May 8 OP

I was impressed by Rand Easterncedar May 8 #1

In true Randian poetry, she was abandoned by her RW base & fans, forced to survive on gov't programs. TheBlackAdder May 8 #9

Ayn Rand tends to appeal to young boys dedl67 May 8 #16

To my recollection from high school, Susan Calvin May 8 #36

same here NJCher May 9 #60

I was gifted a copy as a young boy Shermann May 8 #54

Bingo Susan Calvin May 8 #20

Hers are the books which should be banned if books Ilsa May 8 #34

Totally. That's why I was awestruck when Paul Ryan ran for POTUS and I heard him allegorical oracle May 8 #51

Had to read her books in college?? Susan Calvin May 8 #52

She was a terrible person Demsrule86 May 8 #57

My favorite remark about this: "If you're still reading Ayn Rand after your acne clears up... NNadir May 8 #2

And along those lines . . . . hatrack May 8 #4

Reminds me of a quote Oscar Wilde had about another author's book . . hatrack May 8 #17

Uggh. Rand is the heroine of the most sociopathic RW... Nope, just nope. hlthe2b May 8 #3

Atlas Shrugged is the most dreary, painful, right wing tome I've ever attempted to read. Disgusting drivel. Silent Type May 8 #5

If you want a worse version, try reading Terry Goodkind EdmondDantes_ May 8 #49

It's not so much that Rand was a bad writer. It's just that her writing reminds me that I'm reading. Aristus May 8 #6

"Creative typing": that's a gem I hadn't heard. . . . nt Bernardo de La Paz May 8 #7

Most of Capote's writing has a gem-like quality. Aristus May 8 #12

Harper Lee knew Capote SCantiGOP May 8 #27

Love Capote. kerry-is-my-prez May 8 #39

Rand was a bad writer with an impoverished imagination and a grade school comprehension of economics. Martin68 May 8 #10

I well remember when my parents and a circle of their friends all read Atlas Shrugged. It was around 1969. Martin68 May 8 #8

She had, a well deserved end of her life. multigraincracker May 8 #11

So you're saying she deserved government benefits? dchill May 8 #13

She was a Russian rich kid of 12 when the revolution came Warpy May 8 #14

It sure hooked me in high school. tinrobot May 8 #15

I never read Tolkien... Montauk6 May 8 #18

Even the orcs weren't THAT evil Martin Eden May 8 #21

When Paul Ryan was House Speaker he required all his aids to read Atlas Shrugged Martin Eden May 8 #19

I remember that clearly... Moostache May 8 #28

This message was self-deleted by its author RandiFan1290 May 8 #30

I read Foundation instead. rickyhall May 8 #22

I had a coworker who was really into Rand The Revolution May 8 #23

It's a Wonderful Life bmichaelh May 8 #24

Here's my Letter to the Editor of our local paper in 2017 in response to an Ayn Rand defender., surfered May 8 #25

My mom told me about 40 years ago to read Atlas Shrugged because it was so stupid. Basso8vb May 8 #26

My father insisted that I read her novels. love_katz May 8 #29

For those not familiar with Atlas Shrugged, I offer the abridged version. Abolishinist May 8 #31

That is brilliant!! Did you write it yourself? If so you should have a career in satire. NNadir May 8 #38

I only wish! I found this online 10 or so years ago, never did find its author. Abolishinist May 8 #43

Well it is hilarious. Thanks for bringing it to our attention. NNadir May 8 #44

Brilliant Easterncedar May 8 #45

I've read several times and still laugh like hell at... NNadir May 8 #46

Brilliant! surfered May 8 #53

Rofl. Joinfortmill May 8 #56

That critique of Ayn Rand never, ever gets old for me. Paladin May 8 #32

And for anybody who'd like to save some time . . . hatrack May 8 #33

John Rogers. BTW -- fun thread Hekate May 8 #35

Never read Rand or Tolkien lonely bird May 8 #37

Didn't he, though! ChazInAz May 8 #40

John Rogers, screenwriter, etc. is the author of that marvelous quote. Cassidy May 8 #41

In her old age she was a welfare recipient. Jacson6 May 8 #42

john rogers, is the author. n/t rampartd May 8 #47

I think I read Anthem, her shorter work... Wounded Bear May 8 #48

The plots of Rand's two 3rd-rate door-stop novels... GiqueCee May 8 #50

I read her when I was young. Forgettable. Joinfortmill May 8 #55

I read a few of her books, recommended by a boyfriend mimitabby May 9 #58

I once opened an Ayn Rand book and tried to read it. BobTheSubgenius May 9 #59