I was sexually harassed for the first time today. Thoughts that have been running through my head.

[F4lconF16]

As the title says, I was harassed earlier today. It's the first time I've had anything more than a few catcalls directed at me. I'm not going to describe much about where and when it happened, as I don't want that information online.

It started when a man about twice my age, give or take a few years, began a conversation with me. He ended up making various comments about my penis, and he eventually mentioned he'd like to give me a blow job. I told him I wasn't interested and changed the subject. That worked for a while, but I ended up going with him to get electrical cords for something from a different room (one not in public view). He was saying something about how he was glad he got to meet me, and then started to give me a hug, which I was kinda trapped into doing. I pulled away quickly, but he still tried to touch me by grabbing my jacket and asking what type of material the inside was, while feeling my upper chest. At that point, I pushed his hand away roughly and stepped back, and headed out of the room. He followed me and made a bit more conversation, but he left soon after that.

Thankfully, it was fairly minor. I don't think that he meant badly (not that that's an excuse) and had I told him to back off more forcefully at first, I think he would have listened. I feel alright, though shaken. There's a few things I've been thinking about.

First, this bothers me a lot more than I thought it would. I'm used to reading about harassment, I have friends who I see endure it on a daily basis, and in all honesty, I expected it to happen at some point, just given the statistics. But I still feel unsettled. I'm not worried about it happening again, and I feel alright, but I'm still a little off. I can't imagine dealing with this every day, and worse.

I also re-learned a feeling that I'd partially forgotten: what it's like to feel scared, and powerless. I'm a big guy, and I've never had problems with feeling physically threatened before. When I'm on the streets at 3:00 in the morning, all it takes is a pissed-off look and a strong stride to avoid any trouble, even with people who want it. But when this guy gave me that hug, I felt utterly helpless. I probably would have been able to easily break his hold if I needed to, but I didn't think about anything more than I was in trouble. Today was also the first time I've ever been worried about being raped. It's gut-churning. I'm slowly feeling better, and smoking a bowl has really helped with the anxiety. There's a lot I understand a bit better right now. Again, I can't imagine what it would feel like not to be in my body, what it would be like to feel that way more often.

Not blaming myself has been surprisingly hard. Despite all the friends I've talked to, the number of essays I've now read about victim blaming and the psychology behind it, almost immediately after it happened I found myself thinking that I should have said something earlier, that I should have done something, made it more obvious than just saying I wasn't interested. That's all bullshit; I didn't do a thing wrong. He shouldn't have come on to me, he shouldn't have done any of it, and it's not my fault. But I feel like it is anyways.

Anyways, that's about it. I wanted to share this because I think it's important for men in situations like mine or who haven't had it directed towards them before to remember that we have no idea. Empathy is good, but fear and guilt and everything else that comes with sexual harassment and assault are hard to really understand without having it happen to you. When we're talking about issues that arise, we need to remember that there is a world of experiences that we're lucky enough not to have to deal with. We need to be aware that our understanding is limited.

[Mnemosyne]

1. Glad you are alright. It does shake you. nt

[F4lconF16]

8. Thank you. nt

[Vattel]

2. I quit a job once due to sexual harasment that included touching my butt.

Psychologically it was no big deal though. It wasn't anything like being raped.

[F4lconF16]

9. I'm glad the bosses I have at my two jobs would very much

Support me if I ever went to them with something like this.

I agree, though; it wasn't a good feeling, but it could be far worse.

[roguevalley]

3. take heart. those people are pathetic. I have gone through brutal harassment in my

career. It is hard to be a union officer and rights person and come out of the career at the end in one piece. Just know that the pathetic person who did this is so sad. It is soul destroying but you have had a window opened. Hugs to you from me.

[F4lconF16]

10. I almost felt pity for him.

I was too worried for myself, but he was a sad man. I feel some amount of pity for him.

You sound like you have had some rough experiences. Thanks for your courage to persevere. You are right that the experience was eye opening.

[vlyons]

4. Now you know what women feel like

I'm glad the instance didn't escalate, and that you're getting your mental serenity back in balance. Having said, "no thanks" to unwanted sexual overtures, no one should be harrassed as you were

[F4lconF16]

11. Yes, I am doing well now.

Friends, politics, and food are good distractions and gave me time to think. Thanks.

[avebury]

5. I don't know if you carry a cell phone but you

might want to consider practicing how to turn the video on it when it is your pocket to have an audio recording if such an event occurs again. Otherwise you might find yourself in a he said/ he said situation without proof.

[F4lconF16]

12. That's a good idea, and one I actually just did recently.

I have it prepared for police, but it will be good to think about for this.

[avebury]

16. Also set it up to that anything that is recorded is

automatically uploaded to the cloud so that if someone got a hold of your phone and erased anything it won't be permanently lost.

[BlueJazz]

6. I understand. I'm sure a lot of us M&F have been hassled when we most don't want to deal ..

..with it. Thank you most for sharing. You're a brave soul !

[F4lconF16]

13. Thanks :)

Writing things tends to quiet my mind down.

[spooky3]

7. I'm sorry this happened to you. It was good of you to come here and make these points, also. n/t

[F4lconF16]

14. Thankfully it was not worse.

I'm glad I wrote it down.

[ismnotwasm]

15. That's fucked up

Some women use "protective coloration" to avoid harassment- the ones that don't far too often get blamed for something that isn't their fault.

Interestingly, I just finished yearly competencies for my job, and one included sexual harassment, which included gender harassment, which may or may not be sexual in nature-- I was glad to see it. It also tied sexual harassment in the workplace to the 1964 civil rights act-- I was glad to see that too.

Sexual Harassment
It is unlawful to harass a person (an applicant or employee) because of that person’s sex. Harassment can include “sexual harassment” or unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical harassment of a sexual nature.

Harassment does not have to be of a sexual nature, however, and can include offensive remarks about a person’s sex. For example, it is illegal to harass a woman by making offensive comments about women in general.

Both victim and the harasser can be either a woman or a man, and the victim and harasser can be the same sex.

Although the law doesn’t prohibit simple teasing, offhand comments, or isolated incidents that are not very serious, harassment is illegal when it is so frequent or severe that it creates a hostile or offensive work environment or when it results in an adverse employment decision (such as the victim being fired or demoted).

The harasser can be the victim's supervisor, a supervisor in another area, a co-worker, or someone who is not an employee of the employer, such as a client or customer.

http://www.eeoc.gov/laws/types/sexual_harassment.cfm

Unfortunately there is little protection out on the street, in communities, in homes. No one showed have to feel guilty or ashamed or conflicted when they're experiencing what amounts to assault, and can turn into battery. No one.

[AuntPatsy]

17. Thank you for sharing, I have no doubt many here can relate..glad your okay

[wryter2000]

18. Bless you for this

Esp. for discussing how you felt guilty even though you did nothing wrong. I know plenty of people, MANY women, who would have blamed you for going into that other room with him. It's so wrong. No one understands what harassment and rape are like, not at a gut level, without having experienced it.

[KitSileya]

25. Oh, I wish that was possible

Cutting off contact with a harasser isn't possible in many, many circumstances, and neither is reporting them. If the guy who makes unwanted sexual advances on you are your best friend's brother/boyfriend/father, or if he is a colleague, or a family member of your own, if he is your boss, a customer, your landlord - you may not be able to just cut off contact with him. Women will always have to weigh whether it is worth it to go to such extreme steps - they know that there's a big chance that if they won't be directly blamed themselves for this, they will at least face minimization of what happened ("Are you sure you didn't misunderstand?&quot It is very rare, in fact, to actually be believed and supported when you tell anyone about what happened.

[whathehell]

26. In this case, it sounded like the harasser was a stranger, or at best, an acquaintance

Under those circumstances, it should not be too hard,

[KitSileya]

32. I don't know what it would be like for a man,

but most women keep in mind that men might get violent if you give them a hard no. A couple of months ago, a woman was shot at a funeral for refusing a stranger, and a girl was killed at school for refusing to go to the prom with a boy. We know how fast a come on can turn into threatening behavior and swearing. You go from 'sweetie' to 'b%h' in seconds - and most bystanders will blame you, and most times your companions will not be pleased that you created such an unpleasant situation. Most of us keep that in mind constantly as we do our threat assessments - and any woman who says she doesn't do a threat assessment on any guy who hits on her is either in denial or so inured she doesn't notice it any more.

[whathehell]

34. So you are believe

that most women & girls need to be armed most of the time?

[KitSileya]

35. Heck no! I am so anti-gun it's not even funny.

Women who live in homes with guns in them are more likely to get shot than anyone else with those very same guns. These days I live in a sane country when it comes to guns, and I have trouble when I go back to the US because of the prevalence and visibility of weapons all the time.

No, men need to realize that women live different lives than them, because of them. Because our society doesn't keep men accountable for their behavior, women need to live their lives more carefully than men. They have to judge the trustworthiness of men, because every man is Schrødinger's rapist. It's not about being scared all the time, which is what those who poo-poo the whole notion thinks, it is about being wary all the time. It's about judging whether that guy at the bus stop is likely to hit on you, and how to deflect him. It's about being aware where the men are seated in the metro carriage and keeping aware of what they are doing. It's about being aware of how to answer the colleague who asks you out so that he won't get threatening, or backtalk you when you let hi down. It's being aware of your surroundings, it's putting checkpoints when you go on a first date (telling a friend his name, where you will be, how long you will be gone, and setting up text message check-ins along the way in case something happens,) it's knowing that if something happens to you, you know that most likely you will get the blame, so you mitigate beforehand by evaluating how you dress, what you say, what you do.

It's like that Margaret Atwood quote - with the opposite gender, most men fear being laughed at, women fear being killed. Our perception of reality is completely different because we need to worry about so very different things. However, many men refuse to acknowledge that because they see it as an attack on them personally. They would never harass a woman, so the notion that a woman would assess them to avoid harassment is seen as a slur on their honor, and they refuse to see beyond that.

[chervilant]

27. Maybe if he wasn't wearing that awesome jacket...

Maybe if he didn't have a visceral response to this guy's harassment...

Wouldn't it have been a better idea if this harasser had just not indulged in harassment?!?

I'm glad that "your experience" has enabled you to "cut off contact with someone after they make a graphic, unwanted proposition," but not all survivors have that experience, and shaming those who do not is indefensible.

[whathehell]

31. You need to drop the snark -- It's quite misguided.

Your response is defensive and hostile, despite the fact that I CLEARLY
stated my realization of the OP being very new to the situation. In addition,
to avoid that "shaming" you've accused me of, I deliberately avoided
a direct response to the OP. choosing, instead, to ask a simple, mildly worded
to another DUer that you chose to answer.

Your response illustrates the dangers of "jumping to conclusions" with people
you do NOT know on the evidence of "suspicions" based on the slimmest of reasons.

Had you taken the trouble to get to know me, just a BIT, you might learned that, my "experience" to which you sarcastically refer, consists not only of
Sexual Harassment, but actual Rape, leaving me with a LOT more information
on survivors than I expect you could even dream of.

[chervilant]

36. I stand by my assertion

that shaming survivors is indefensible.

[whathehell]

38. I never challenged your assertion and you know it.

Nice attempt at a face save, though.

[chervilant]

40. ...

Also...



Lastly:

Buh-bye.

[termroffor]

19. Did you call the cops?

He must not harass someone else.

[seabeyond]

20. rollin eyes. you guys really are very boring and tedious.

[chervilant]

28. And, predictable... n/t

[seabeyond]

21. f4, a very illuminating retelling of your experience.

thank you for sharing this so others can better understand the experience. this is very valuable. people that go thru life with ownership and confidence in self, can even be jarred by this behavior, not reacting in a manner they would expect. your clarity in your own internal processing of the event is really helpful. and from what I can see, very precise.

thank you. and have a good holiday season.

[F4lconF16]

44. Thank you.

I have been working on understanding myself and my reactions to the world around me better in the last few weeks. I've been paying a lot of attention to my actions and thoughts. I'm glad I was able to communicate that.

[chervilant]

29. The fear and guilt can be a lifetime "sentence"

Last edited Thu Jan 1, 2015, 05:26 PM - Edit history (1)

for those of us who've been assaulted or harassed in childhood. Random, unrelated incidences can be triggers, and survivors often struggle with finding strategies that help mitigate such triggers. As an advocate for survivors, I've learned that focusing on the COURAGE inherent in SURVIVING is helpful.

I think it's important to realize that we are socialized to expect decent behavior in our social interactions. Reading about incidences of abuse or harassment is NOTHING LIKE the actual experience! Like some herein above, discounting harassment or victim-blaming becomes a defense against such harassment happening to them, at least without some sort of hypothetical "strong and courageous" counter-attack. Actual responses to harassment are as varied as the humans walking this planet. Assigning some moral value to any of the myriad possible responses is inappropriate.

As a fellow survivor, I admire your courage in sharing your experience. I hope you never again have to interact with this abuser.

[F4lconF16]

41. What do you mean by "focusing on the courage inherent in surviving is helpful"?

I'm not really sure what you mean, though I think I have an idea.

Like some herein above, discounting harassment or victim-blaming becomes a defense against such harassment happening to them, at least without some sort of hypothetical "strong and courageous" counter-attack.

I think there is a lot of fear behind victim-blamers' comments. They remind me a lot of right-wingers that "train" all the time in martial arts so they can defend themselves at any moment. It doesn't make a difference who you are, it can happen to you--and that scares them. They think that if they blame the victim, they can somehow be better than the victim, so they will never have a problem.

Actual responses to harassment are as varied as the humans walking this planet. Assigning some moral value to any of the myriad possible responses is inappropriate.

Well said.

[chervilant]

45. I will give you a personal example first:

I am one of six sisters. Three of us (the youngest) were sexually abused by a middle-aged man married to my older sister (she's sixteen years older than me).

After I escaped my abuser (primarily by going to college and having my roommate vet my calls), I was living in an apartment complex in the Montrose in Houston, where I became friends with the predominantly lesbian residents. My next door neighbor dragged me (literally, kicking and resisting) to a Women's Support Group wherein I discovered that what I had survived was childhood sexual assault. I hadn't even known what it was called! These amazing women helped me understand that his abuse was wrong, and solely his responsibility. They also helped me understand that the coping strategies I had developed (I was dissociative, actually) were a measure of my mind's courage in helping me survive the pernicious assaults inflicted by this sick individual.

One of my younger sisters later said to me, "I didn't let Horace get to me!" which was her way of coping with the abuse she sustained. With the help of my support group, I came to recognize that my sister was using the defense strategy that worked best for her, and wasn't necessarily blaming and shaming me.

Now, after better than thirty years of advocacy for survivors, I've learned that legitimizing whatever coping strategies enabled each individual to survive is an essential first step to recovery. Survivors learn that they're not alone, and that they're NOT crazy. It's empowering to understand that feelings of shame and embarrassment are normal, and each survivor has a personal path to recovery that no one else can define or control.

I have to tell you that sharing your personal experience is VERY courageous, and helpful to others who've had similar experiences and no outlets for processing their feelings. You may never know how many survivors you've helped just by sharing your experience. I thank you sincerely for so doing.

[Nay]

30. Thank you for writing this. It's very painful to realize that, to some other

humans, you are just a piece of meat for them to use as they like, whether it's sexual, a robbery, bullying, or whatever.

As a woman, I have been on the receiving end of this sort of shit all my life, and I can sympathize with you and offer you a bit of advice. As you've noticed, you blame yourself for some of his actions; I can totally understand that, as I did the same. As I matured, I unpacked a lot of those feelings and looked at them -- with the perspective that I certainly wasn't to blame for being a victim, BUT that in the future, I could possibly protect myself more effectively in such encounters. May I suggest you start that process with the book below?

I found great help in a book called "The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals that Protect Us against Violence" by Gavin de Becker. He understands the reactions you (and I) had during our first instances of harassment/attack and describes them, and then goes on to describe how to better protect yourself in the future. It was a mind-opening and life-changing book for me. I have recommended it to dozens of people over the years and all have been changed (for the good) by it.

Good luck to you and all of us out there who have suffered this.

[F4lconF16]

42. I'll go take a look at it.

Thankfully I've been able to work through my feelings easily. It was a relatively minor incident, and I was able to process it much better a day or two after the fact.

Thanks for the recommendation.

[KitSileya]

33. Thank you for sharing this.

I didn't reply when you first posted this simply because I didn't have the spoons to do so - it is such a familiar story, and a triggering one at that. It is surprisingly difficult not to start questioning your own perception of reality - "Did he really say that? Did he mean it seriously? Surely he must have been joking, guys aren't that crude, are they?" You almost start gaslighting yourself because society tells you that this doesn't happen to good girls (and certainly not to boys!) You tell yourself that there must have been something that told him he could say that to you, something wrong with you, because society tells us that guys just don't do this - except they do. Guys are told they need to be on the offensive, that they need to hit on their prey (and yes, the language is violent for a purpose.)

I do hope you find healing and that this will not negatively impact your life. Take care of yourself.

[chervilant]

37. + a gazillion

You tell yourself that there must have been something that told him he could say that to you, something wrong with you, because society tells us that guys just don't do this - except they do.

I have family members who STILL blame me for my abuser's pedophilia. It's inconceivable to them that this "paragon" could have sexually abused three little girls.

[F4lconF16]

43. You and someone else have both said something I very much agree with.

It is surprisingly difficult not to start questioning your own perception of reality - "Did he really say that? Did he mean it seriously? Surely he must have been joking, guys aren't that crude, are they?" You almost start gaslighting yourself because society tells you that this doesn't happen to good girls (and certainly not to boys!)

We are told that harassment isn't a problem, that rape doesn't happen. Statistics are downplayed, victims are blamed, and the survivors who say something are quieted or ignored. As long as that continues, survivors will blame themselves, because society blames them.

Thank you. I felt much better a day or two after. The guy who did it ended up coming back and apologizing profusely for it as well, which I was rather surprised about.

[KitSileya]

46. I am glad that you feel much better.

No one deserves to have their boundaries crossed like that.

It strikes me how much harder we are on men who are victims of harassment and sexual assault and rape. If the perpetrator is a man, homophobia is added to the mix, and the victims are denied their masculinity, because a "real" man wouldn't be a victim. If the perpetrator is a woman, well, then, the victim is told he should be grateful for the violation, that he should have wanted it, and that he has no cause for complaint.

For women, on the other hand, the horror is in the ubiquity of sexual harassment and assault. There's nary a woman who doesn't have battle stories to tell of street harassment, of having to avoid a handsy guy at work or party, to straight up assault and rape. So many women are raped and assaulted that we know we are not alone, even when we feel alone. Men, on the other hand, are truly isolated when they are the victims, especially because they had reasonable belief that they were safe, something women know they never are.