I am so peeved at my ex and his lack of support....

[usedtobedemgurl]

My father-in-law has stated he will pay 60% of college expenses (books and classes) for all of the grandchildren. My husband has stated he would take up the slack and pay the rest.

My son is going to early college. This means he will take a half day of classes at high school and a half at college. My son told me, yesterday, that he while the classes are free he will need to get textbooks. $$$ UGH! I texted his dad asking if he would buy the books or if I needed to buy them and pass on the receipt to him. He unequivocally told me that was not college and he is doing classes through his school and so it is high school!

My son will have a parking pass for the college, he is taking the classes at the college, he is registering and going to orientation at the college. How on earth is this not college? College textbooks cost a lot and I am already looking at selling my plasma to make ends meet.

Then my husband calls up my son and explains to him that when he moves out and is actually in college, my husband will help out. Oh! And he also says he is more than willing to help me if I need the money. I was going to keep my son out of this because I think that is best. And my husband lied about being willing to help me.

As it turns out, I contacted my father-in-law and he agrees that it is college and the 529 will pay for the textbooks. Thank goodness but my husband's attitude, and including our son who was hurt his father would not help, just burns my britches.

Thank you for letting me vent.

[SheilaT]

1. Does your son have a 529?

If so, it can be used for all legitimate college expenses, including books, including room and board, including such things as buying a fridge for the dorm room. So if there's a 529 here, I don't get why you even need to ask your ex or your father-in-law for help.;

[usedtobedemgurl]

2. No, no 529.....

or I would not have to ask. The only 529 is with my father-in-law who I approached and he can see it is actually college, unlike my ex, and he will pay 60% of text books. His agreement has always been that he would pay 60% of what the 529 covers. The ex said he would take up the slack. I am just disappointed my ex would try to do a loophole and say it is not college when it really is. It is his son too and I did not ask him to take up any expenses his dad would not, he offered. Now he has changed the parameters.

[usedtobedemgurl]

3. And this should not be surprising....

a lawyer called my husband's past behavior as being financially abusive. He has been very controlling with money to a point when I wanted to check and see if the accountant had filed taxes (because I believed that my husband had not given the accountant the papers), my husband said I could call her but if I did then I would not get a new (used) car I had been looking at. I never did get it anyway.

He also came in one day and said he needed to save up to pay off his IRS debt and so he was cutting my money that he was giving me by two thirds. Meanwhile, he was not cutting his own money by any amount. This is while we were still together and I was paying every single bill and keeping our family going. I had to basically throw a tantrum saying our family could not live on that (he tried to blame me and said it should come out of the expense money because it was my idea he pay his taxes) and telling him someone around him must understand what a strain this would put on our family and I would go to his dad and all of his friends and see if they could talk sense into him.

When I left he would not even give me half the money in alimony each month and I did not have the $7500 to give to a lawyer for a retainer.

He has been financially and mentally abusive to me.

[SheilaT]

4. Thanks for clarifying the 529 thing.

You need to go to court over your ex's not paying the mandated alimony. See if you can file on your own behalf without a lawyer. Or shop around and see if another lawyer will accept a lower retainer.

I'd guess you should probably no longer count on him paying any part of your son's college costs. Take the grandfather up on his offer, make sure that either you can cover the rest of the costs, or that your son attends a relatively low cost school. Starting out at a community college can be a good idea. And pay lots of attention to whatever financial aid packages are offered, and make sure you absolutely understand the difference between grants or scholarships, which don't have to be paid back, and loans that do.

I can only offer lots of sympathy that your ex has behaved so badly all along.

[usedtobedemgurl]

5. No, I do not feel I can count on him at all.

We are already looking at scholarships, grants, etc....we will do what we can to make sure my son gets to go to college.

[SheilaT]

6. Good. My advice to you

will be to keep your eye firmly on the bottom line. Depending on where you live, what he wants to major in, what special skills or attributes he may have, you may do well in the scholarship department.

So many students and their families get focused on the idea that the kid absolutely must go to The Most Prestigious University, whether or not MPU is at all a sensible choice for the kid.

Many state universities and colleges are excellent, as well as a lot of the junior colleges.

The other thing to be fully aware of is will the degree he wants to get lead to a good job? I tell young people all the time to go ahead and major in what they love, but don't ever lose sight of the fact they're going to need to get a job at the end. If your major isn't one with a good number of decent jobs, but you'll be okay doing pizza delivery to support yourself the rest of your life, then go for it. But there are an awful lot of good jobs to be had through the vocational programs at the junior colleges. A person can take classes just for intellectual interest the rest of his life, and it might be a lot easier if he's got a well-paying job to support that.

Best of luck to you and your son.

Footnote here: My younger son graduated cum laude from the University of Tulsa several years ago with a major in psychology and a minor in marketing. I could not persuade him to seek out internships over the summer. Instead, he did pizza delivery. Currently he lives in Portland, OR, when he earns his living doing pizza delivery. I'm just as proud of him as I am of his physicist brother. The most important point is that he supports himself, because he knows if he were to ask either of his parents for money, we'd tell him to get a better job. And he does love what he does, in no small part because he only needs to work four days a week and does lots of stuff on his days off, including playing ultimate frisbee, and doing some occasional stand-up.

[usedtobedemgurl]

7. I love that your son does what he truly enjoys for a living.

Mine wants to be a game designer! I told him we could possibly get him an internship with Pixar (I know a couple of people) but he has to be in college first. As long as he is happy, I will be happy.

And, yes, those ivy league educations are more for making connections than the diploma which, these days, is hardly better than any other school.