As many of you know, my Mom died Friday, the 3rd of Jan.

[slightlv]

It's been really hard, cause we've been dealing with a major snowstorm, followed by more snow and ice. That's just the practical side of things. Family that want to come from South Missouri are stopped due to weather and age. And my siblings and I have truly discovered we are the last of the family, in all truth. So many cousins, etc., lost to cancer or accidents long before their time. It's sad to see the family whittled down to so few.

I haven't sat down to cry and grieve since I got the news. Too much to do, and all my siblings are laying it on my doorstep to make the right decisions. I've brought them into final planning meetings with the mortuary, etc., and made it a point to say, "speak up if you want to make changes or disagree with something" but everybody is just inside themselves. I understand. I would be too, if I had the luxury. It was a total surprise when Mom died, having just been with her and her "antler ears" on Christmas Eve.

We've had to wait to get in line at the National Cemetery. The snow held up more than a few funerals, it seems. So as of right now, I've set a Visitation at the Funeral Home on Wed, Jan 15. That will be followed by a small graveside service in the National Cemetery, where she'll be laid next to my Dad. Afterwards, we'll come back to my house for a small luncheon/wake for family and close friends. I'm trying to hold on to that last phrase "family/close friends" when it comes to that luncheon. It's only going to be sandwiches, veggie tray, etc. (unless someone brings something I don't know about), but we bought our house about 6 years ago after it'd been vacant for many, many years. We bought it because we could afford it and pay cash for it. It was my "retirement" home, IMO. BUT we really didn't realize how little strength we had at this point to do the fixing up, and after buying the house the money for repairs were basically gone. My home is outfitted in what I call "Early American Garage Sale," anyway. IOW, I'm a bit ashamed of having people in my home. Ashamed that after a lifetime of work, this is all I have to share; and ashamed that I can't do better by Mom than this... although this was her home, too, for about 3 years with us.

WHY do we get fixated on this kind of crap during this time? My house should be the least of my worries right now. I just hope Mom knows I've done the best I can with what I had, and what little help I've had. I hope she knows I do this out of a place of the great love I've had for her... through the rotten times as I was growing up, past the time period we just flat-out didn't talk, to where we ditched the mother-daughter stuff and became best friends.

I did get a call from a former coworker who now lives in OK. If I'd talked to him any longer, I think the dam would have burst on the tears. But around here, the cold and the snow and the ice is keeping everyone at home, right when I could use hugs and company and good talk. I just feel so alone.

[Hope22]

1. Your home and the love in it will be more than enough for this important gathering.

The best homes are a work in progress. My heart goes out to you with all of this. Your momma is watching over you now. You are in good hands. Hugs, love and more love to you. 💗💗🙏🏼💐

[Permanut]

2. You're carrying a heavy load, slightly..

I can relate; most of my family is gone, many of them in Willamette National Cemetery in Oregon.

I'm thinkin' that your Mom knows.

[Keepthesoulalive]

3. A little levity

Tell them these are all valuable antiques and collectibles and you will be leaving it to them in your will.
I’ve been where you are, it’s tough with very little help but you can and will get through this. I am sorry for your loss.

[slightlv]

13. Funny thing is, Keepers...

There are three items in the front room which are treasured antiques! For truth! One is a grandfather's clock that my great-grandfather designed, carved, and built. It has a front panel of etched glass... a picture of my mom and her pet squirrel when she was about 5 years old. One other is a a ornately nature carved art frame, with a painting of ducks that used to be by grandpa's lake all the time. My great-grandfather was American Indian and enormously talented artistically. Whenever I do creative work of any kind, it always comes out with a Native American theme, even if I don't intend it! (LOL)

The last piece which one could say is an antique by now (which no one but me wants) is my Dad's foot locker from WWII. It seemed right that the only other member of our immediate family to serve in the military should be responsible for it. It means something to me (and to my Dad) that the others don't understand. It was a little piece of "home" in faraway countries, stashing not only the necessary clothes, etc., but also the small things that mean so much when you're away from family.

[Keepthesoulalive]

17. If you have anything from the 1950' and 60's

It may have value. Mid century is still hot and young people prefer it. Someone once told me to create my own history. Write down the historic nature of the footlocker and tell them he was fighting Nazi scum, they will love it. And write a story and leave it on the clock about your great grandfather. Family antiques tell a story and maybe it will even start a conversation about being connected to a true artisan.

[slightlv]

21. I love the foot locker idea, Keepers!

Truth is... he WAS fighting the Nazi's while he had that foot locker. At one time, he had postcards from every country and city he'd been in during the war. He especially love Italy... North African never got a good comment from him, tho. So it must have been really bad when he was there.

The clock and the painting I brag to everyone who comes into the room. I am so proud of the work he did, and how it's held up to this very day... over 100 years old. The back of the painting I had to repair because it was so fragile when it was taken from Mom's house, and my brother wasn't exactly gentle.

My sis wants the clock when I die, and probably the painting too. My brother really doesn't care about all that. He just wanted all of Dad's guns. Although there were a lot of modern guns (which I didn't care for at all), Dad had all his old hunting rifles from when he was a kid on up. Even tho he's a one-issue voter (guess which one) I couldn't resent saying "of course, they're yours).

The only other person in the family who cares about family history is my oldest grandson. So like me... and I've been giving him a deep dive in between dealing with crises in his life and ours.

BTW... anyone remember a cat lamp from the 1950's? It was a sleek black ceramic jaguar cat. On one side, there was a cut out where you put in a bulb (like a xmas tree light) to make it a night light. I slept with that light on my entire childhood at Grandma's. And I've still got it. My daughter wants it, but I'm not so sure. I think it might be worth something these days. I did find an old ceramic sleigh that I'd had forever was about 6 times its original value on the 'Net. I gave my grandson my entire collection of Time-Life Enchanted world and Myth and Magic books. I nearly fell over when I found out how much I could have gotten for them if I'd sold them, instead. But like I said... my grandson is SO like me.

And everyone will love the fact I have two cat trees in the front room -- where we never sit; we're always in the family room. But the cats OWN the front room!

[SARose]

4. I think all of us feel nervous about our homes

from time-to-time.

I will give you some words of wisdom from my late mother-in-law “I’m not coming to visit your house - I’m coming to visit you.” We were packing up to move internationally and the house was a wreck!

The family and close friends are there for comfort and to remember your Mother. There will be tears but I’ll bet there will be lots of laughter, too. I was amazed at stories that were told about my Mother after her funeral.

Sandwiches and a veggie tray are perfect. Most people are not that hungry, anyway.

Bless you for taking on this responsibility. Light and love

Rose

[sinkingfeeling]

5. Just hang in there. A some point, have a cry.

[slightlv]

15. I've given notice to both hubby and grandson

to not expect me to do anything from after the funeral on Wednesday to at least the following Monday. That means, please... someone cook for ME for a change, take care of the critters, and go to the store once in a while for something other than cat food (gryn). It also means I'm giving myself the okay not to look at the bills that came when we finally got mail back after the snow, and to allow myself to lay in bed and cry for as long as I want when its all over.

[delisen]

6. I am sorry for your loss of your Mother and Friend.

It sounds like you had some very good years as Friends.

I remember when I first really understood that my parents were more than their roles as my mother and father and I began to see them as the individuals they were and had alsways been. It made a great difference in our relationships.

It is great you were able to buy your house and that you paid cash for it. That is an accomplishment. I

can empathize with the worries about the furnishings and all that but you are right to shake off those worries.

You have done the right things and you will have the support of the family and friends who cared about he and who care about you. I hope that you will soon feel less alone.

[sheshe2]

7. You are not alone, slightly.

[slightlv]

23. Thank you, sheshe2

[LoisB]

8. There is nothing wrong with "Early American Garage Sale". Your friends/family don't

care about the furniture. Take the time you need for yourself in order to grieve. You will get a lot of hugs here.

[barbtries]

9. I'm sorry you're having to go through this all alone!

When the tears come, let them.

When my son and I first moved to NC from CA I was really poor. I termed our decor "21st Century Dumpster Dive"

things got better and I hope they do for you too.

[slightlv]

16. At nearly 69, retired,

and living only on SS... I figure what I've got is what I've got. (LOL) Hope Charity (a local thrift shop that supports our local pet rescue) and I trade furniture back and forth from time to time. No matter how little I have left at the end of the month, I love to go into the store and look around, maybe buying a few more candleholders or some other nicknack... I've even found stuff applicable for use on my altars in there at times. And I love being able to support the Rescue, no matter how small it is. When I was living large (that is... working full time), I'd often buy big bags of dog and cat food and take down to them, or make a donation for free spaying and neutering. I like to continue the support, even as it changes over time. One friend will recognize the sofa and loveseat -- she's the one who third handed it to us when we moved! (LOL)

[surfered]

10. While difficult, the immediate problems will pass.

All you can do, is all you can do, which is all that can be expected of you. Let her memory be a blessing.

[babylonsister]

11. So sorry for what you're going through.

Mom did care-she lived with you and you were best friends. I finally was great friends with my mom after a lot of strife, and after all these years (she died 34 years ago) I treasure that the most. You did swell.

[slightlv]

18. It's funny... but you really do have to

step outside that relationship and look at your parents as whole people, to really make a great connection. And you find they're so much more nuanced than you ever would have guessed. But that calls for you to grow up and step out of your part of the relationship, too. Sometimes its really hard to get out of your own way!

Mom and I had a lot of strife as I was growing up. Being the oldest among three, I was totally responsible when she finally did get a job as a receptionist. If things from the list weren't done (no matter whose chores they were) by the time she got home, there was hell to pay -- to me, as being the oldest. This automatically set up not only strife between me and mom because of what I deemed the unfairness of being responsible for my (mostly brother's) irresponsibility. It also caused a huge wedge between me and my brother, too. It's unspoken and my brother's favorite response to any question from any one is a "grunt"... so it's just not me. How he ended up being so chauvinistic with me yelling at him "get it yourself" all the time, and my Dad never showing one inch of chauvinism or patriarchy.

More than anything, tho, I came to slowly realize all the jealous, hurt feelings Mom had after I was born. I was a preemie, but in both actual size, age... and also because I was an "oops" at some point before Mom and Dad's wedding. Mom's brother when she was growing up was a heartache and worry for everyone. Mom was responsible for him, but it was an almost impossible feat. Mom ended up with it because babysitters and nannies would have nothing to do with him. He'd had German Measles, and end up severely mentally retarded afterwards. He was also aggressive, hostile, and of course it was all immediate gratification. He basically stopped aging mentally at 6 years old (kinda like trump). All the things Mom had wanted for herself as a teenager and young adult... any future she had thought of beyond marriage... just fell to the wind. But here I was - this upstart girl with dreams galore. First decision was to join the Air Force... the FIRST flight of female law enforcement, at that. I was skirting all the norms she'd had laid out for me. Of course, there was a sense of pride... but I could always see disappointment in her eyes. It just took me a lot time to snap to WHY the disappointment. It wasn't JUST because of who I turned out to be (the black sheep of the family) but because I was damned and determined to actually do the things I set my mind to do... and I had been pretty accomplished 'til then. Once you understand that, it makes forgiving what happened in the past a lot easier.

Which leaves room for memories like going out Rummage-Saleing on Saturday mornings. Seeing this one porch stock full of junk from one end of it to another...parking the car... walking to the porch... and proceeding to go through all this junk on the porch. Imagine our surprise when the front door opened and the woman politely told us the garage sale was two doors further down. This was just her "stuff." Mom and I apologized, turned beet red, and then laughed hysterically when we got back to the car.

Or the time driving through Houston to get to Galveston (at 8am on a weekday), nerves of steel, fingers clenched to the steering wheel, with Mom in the front seat and Grandma in the back seat. Moving across 6 lanes of traffic to get to our exit. Terrified!!! Mom tried to help me hold it together until after we took the exit. The first place with a restroom she told me to stop. Told grandma (her mom) to stay in the car, we'd be right back. Told me to come with her and bring my purse. Once inside the restroom, she told me to light a cigarette. (Mom had known I smoked for about 5 years... grandma, not yet, and she was gonna hide it for as long as she could). I was never so grateful for a cigarette in my life! Having smoked for over 30 years before she gave it up, I'm sure my grandma knew EXACTLY what we were doing. I'm only surprised after my driving she didn't ask for one of her own! (LOL)

The women in my family have always been soooo cool in their own way. They each had a massive backstory, including immigrating from Ireland. And I loved delving into the stories, and making our own memories. I only wish I'd started earlier collecting the stories, before great-great and great relations were gone. Every family is so unique in its own way. How much more enriched we'd be if we learned each others' histories and challenges and accomplishments, instead of being so tied up in the material world.

[MLAA]

12. You have and are doing all your mom needed while she was with you and now are doing a great job of

acknowledging her passing with those who cared about her the most. You are a model daughter! 🩷

Please care for yourself as soon as you can, you have carried the load though. I know it is a labor of love for you, yet you need to care for yourself soon.

[tavernier]

14. Omg, it hurts like a bitch

I felt like my right arm was missing. And strangely, I was older and we lived miles apart for quite a few years. No matter, it was still devastating.

She comes to me in dreams and sometimes forecasts events… I saw her in labor having a baby boy and called my daughter the next day to ask if she was pregnant. She denied it and later that day confirmed it after a positive pregnancy test, much to her surprise.

Not for a moment of the last 25 years since she passed have I felt her removed from me or our family.

I’m quite certain your mother will be with you as well.
Always.

[slightlv]

19. Yes, I'm planning something special

for Hallows' remembering this year. Between my mom and my grandmother, each who basically raised me, I learned the strength of being a woman and what it means to find that strength deep down in the pit of your stomach. To really *listen* to your intuition, to remember and seek an understanding of dreams (from my Irish grandmother), and to catch the spark of light like fire off the nearest herb bush (again, there's the old Country). My great-grandfather, an American Indian, taught me a lot and gave me a deep, life long activism in politics. But it was the women in the family that really brought us back to the Earth... whether they understood that's what they were doing, or not. Weird family -- everyone else is either Methodist, Baptist, or Evangelical. Although I think at this point, my sis may be leaning Pagan with me. The Evangelical side was so large and loud, they took over everything... I just changed the labels of whatever they were saying, and they thought I was totally agreeing with them! (hehe)

It's going to be hard... has been hard... not to pick up the phone to call. I went over every night after work before I made my commute home. Cooked her supper, straightened up the house, made sure she had all she needed before I headed out of town. Finally, we sold our house in KC to move up close to her when her memory started really getting bad. I am grateful, however hard it is to say, for her to not have lingered years and years with Alzheimer's. She loved computers, and I taught her HTML coding. Her mind had always been so sharp... keeping the house running even after Daddy died. Now, as my memory slows down at times, I'm reminded that the frustration and heartache I feel when it happens to me, was just magnified that much more with her and with that much more fear when it happens.

Growing old is NOT for the feint of heart!

[live love laugh]

20. I'm so sorry 😢 😞

I understand feeling ashamed but it’s too much to bear worrying about what people think at any time but it’s especially hard when you are grieving.

I hope you can make things a little easier on yourself and let go of the shame.

Hugs and many blessings

[slightlv]

22. And with that, you had me crying.

Thank you, live love laugh... Hugs to you and yours, too...

[state of stupid]

24. I have been exactly where you are more times than I care to think about.

First your mother is not dead, she lives in your memories now. All the good, bad and
all the other things that fall somewhere in between. That is her legacy and one last
gift she is leaving in your care. As long as you remember her, she lives. There is more
than enough time for mourning, it will come and go and over time fade and you will
focus on the good times that are left. As far as the funeral do not bring the cemetery
home with you. If you want to honor your mother celebrate who she was, what she
believed, how she lived her life, how she loved and showed her love. Stay strong. Be brave.
This is not about you, your family or friends or money. It is not about furniture or food
or fingernails or haircuts. It is about your mother period. The fact that you had to go thru
this pretty much alone should tell you a great deal about how they care. It is one thing
if like you they have difficulties and cannot help, it is another thing if they have the money
and can arrange the time to help and do not. You hang in there and I promise you that
you will be just fine and will come out stronger for it. We lost my wife's mother Feb 7, 2022.
My wife and I had to handle everything because nobody else could be bothered about it.
My wife could no longer stand dialysis, so she stopped taking treatments. She passed on
the sofa at 12:30 A.M Dec 28, 2022, I was the only one here when she departed. My
brother at the ripe old age of 70 died in a nursing on March 13, 2023. I do not know whether
he knew who I was or if I was just a friendly face. He lost the ability to speak and sounded
more like a man talking baby gibberish. The last spoken word he ever said to me was no.
I asked the last question I would ever ask and get a response, and no is all he said.
Covid hit, lock downs began and that was that. My point is do not let anybody make you feel
ashamed of who you are or what you have done or how you choose to live if they are not
going to suit up and show up. I am extremely sorry for your loss and believe me, I have been
around that block more times than I ever thought I would have to, and I am still and kicking.
Please take care of yourself.

[slightlv]

25. Thank you for the words of advice.

You hit the nail on the head all the way through. And i am going to practice self care after all this is done. One thing you mention I felt deeply... not bringing the cemetery home. Thats why I'm intent it'll be more of a wake at my house. Good stories, a little wine, lots of mead... and sandwiches to help. There'll be lots of stories no doubt... and that's how I want to end the day... on as positive a note as possible for everyone.

[slightlv]

26. I honestly dont know how you handled

So much death in such a small time frame. My heart goes out to you. How did you manage not jumping into or out of things too soon?

I ask that as I lay awake at 1am, my mind racing. But one of those things is the realization I have nothing tying me to KS once this is done. I moved from TX originally to support my dad with his autoimmune disease. I was giving blood directly to him. Now I will have buried both him and mom. There's a sense of freedom dawning... of course no money to make anything happen... like moving to WA. But who knows? There might be ways of making some pared down dreams come true. I almost feel wrong in thinking like this, but my sis is talking about moving to OK when her kiddo moves. My brother and I have never been tight, and he already lives a couple of hours from me. He wouldn't care where I was. I'm telling myself it's not disrespectful to think like this. That it's a natural thing. But I know I have to be careful not to make changes quickly... those would probably be more just reactionary instead of reasoned.

[Dark n Stormy Knight]

27. Even though we're strangers, really, I hope the bit of

caring and humanity meant by a virtual hug will be not entirely without value. I know this is a very draining time. Wishing you all the best as you move through the mourning.

.

[slightlv]

28. I think I have had all the 9am phone calls

that need to be made to me. Honestly, I do feel trying to get in touch with me at this time of morning is a bit much... I've had phone calls from people I really didn't know who needed death certificates, etc. The problem is I tend to fall back to sleep after talking, and not remembering them when I wake up! (LOL)

I'm doing better, but there are still more times when the emptiness feels like a huge hole, raw and naked. My problem right now is just getting motivated to do *anything.* I guess that's part of depression, but it's a new thing for me, and disturbing.