Poetry

Ozymanithrax

(9,311 posts) Mon May 23, 2011, 02:51 PM May 2011

Falling Back

This morning I will
Fall back in time,
See with child's eyes
The wonder of leaf
Spelunk its hollow veins
Sample its symmetry
With taste, touch, scent.
When finished, I will
Recognize its miracle.

When I return to me
It will just be a leaf.

2 replies

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Falling Back (Original Post) Ozymanithrax May 2011 OP

I am not a good poet, but I think I know what my poetry professor would say... ZombieHorde Dec 2011 #1

Nice. Prometheus Bound Dec 2011 #2

ZombieHorde

(29,047 posts)

1. I am not a good poet, but I think I know what my poetry professor would say...

Reply to Ozymanithrax (Original post)

Sun Dec 11, 2011, 01:49 AM

Dec 2011

1) Drop the periods since you are not using real sentences.

2) More description; e.g., what do you taste, touch, and smell?

3) "When I return to me" = cliche.

4) "See with child's eyes" I don't know if this is cliche, but I have read this line in the poetry of my classmates.

5) "It will just be a leaf." = Great line. Strong ending.

Prometheus Bound

(3,489 posts)

2. Nice.

Reply to Ozymanithrax (Original post)

Sun Dec 11, 2011, 05:34 AM

Dec 2011

That's the wonder I see in my 5-month-old's eyes when I take her out each morning at sun-up to listen to the birds waking. She'll look up at the trees in absolute wonder for as long as I'm willing to walk.

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