Poop...Get Used To It!

[theexwife]

So as I come up on the1 year mark of Kayla's birth, I cant help but reflect on motherhood, and some of the lessons it has taught me....

Motherhood was not something I planned on, at least not right away. But when it happened, it gave me a sense of pride that I cant even put into words. To see your features in them, to see them smile at you, with all the expression of someone with a full vocabulary...that first laugh....first smile...there is nothing in the whole world that could ever replace that. Motherhood has been such an awesome journey so far, and this last year has been a blessing. It has taught me so, so very much...

...Like shitting up the back. No one could possibly ever be prepared for this one. 9 out of 10 times you are out in public. WTF do you do....I mean, shit is literally EVERYWHERE. On her, on you, on her car seat, and now, as she wriggles and squirms her way around the baby changing station, she proceeds to smear shit all over that too. Smiling and making up some stupid excuse as to why your kid single handedly managed to un sanitize an entire restaurant, while simultaneously ruining everyones lunch with the pungent smell of baby food and shame, is something you manage to learn to deal with quite gracefully, but it doesn't make it any less embarrassing. Shitting up the back is something almost every mom has to endure, but when it happens to you, you still aren't quite prepared for how nasty it can really be. You just have to plug your nose, dive in, and deal with it. No passing them off to someone else anymore. That shit's all yours baby. Revel in it. Shapes. Colors. Textures. Smells....You will literally see every possible thing while being a parent. You will see things she ate, and you will see the things you didn't know she ate. And with that said, you will probably also see some things she shouldn't have eaten. You're gonna see it in all forms, so those who cant handle the heat, stay out of the kitchen. Trust me, it can get ugly. Me, being the OCD person that I am, have a hard time with this. Lesson #1: Get over being OCD. You will never survive parenthood if you are single handedly keeping antibacterial companies' stock soaring. On a side note, diaper changing is a true art form. It should be an olympic sport. You have to learn to change a diaper FAST if you expect to keep your baby still long enough to get their clothes buttoned again. I also found it helpful to give them something to hold while they lay there - the power of distraction!

Another important lesson Motherhood taught me: HAVE NO PRIDE in the stupid shit you do. I have done some real special things in my life, but nothing compares to some of the shit that I've done to see that smile. I have put toast on my head and danced (AKA flailing around like an inflatable balloon man on crack) - Anyway, I danced to Yo Gabba Gabba for Christ Sake. Never in my life would I even come close to thinking I would be watching any of this shit, much less pretending to enjoy it. I cant be the only mother out there who secretly wishes I could tear the arms off that green fuck and beat him to death with them. I find myself drooling at the end of every show. Avoid this show if at all possible. And don't even get me started on Teletubbies...

Next lesson: Never EVER underestimate the rarity and awesomeness of the shower. Showers have now become the pinnacle of having an awesome day. If you are lucky enough to get a shower, revel in it. You wont be that clean for awhile, lets be honest here. And shaving your legs?? Hahaha...It seems parenthood has evolved into looking more like big foots bitch, than a MILF. And I don't even want to go into how rare it is to be able to take a crap alone anymore. And if its not her swarming my legs, its a hairy child, taking refuge on my lap, from her swarming their legs. I haven't pooped by myself in close to a year. Get used to it bitches.

Photos....I don't expect anyone who's not a parent to understand the obsession that overtakes a person when they hit parenthood. I honestly think that over the years, a womans instinct has evolved to include instant photographer the moment your child is brought into the world. Everything they do is cute. And I KNOW no one gives a shit what her first crap looks like, but I am gonna post it anyway. Get used to it. Which brings me to my next point - Photos and Social Networking Sites. Facebook has proven to be the #1 mommy indulgence and necessary part of everyday life. The overwhelming need to show the world your happy bundle of joy is inescapable. Every possible expression....the familiar nekkid baby ass shot...Awkward "goofy teeth" shots when they start coming in. There is gonna be pictures of all of it. And you can bet your ass thats going on facebook. Any cute/funny/silly video or picture you can find will be up there. Poor kid will never stand a change getting a boyfriend later on in life with some of the crap I've got on her. Heh Heh.... BLACKMAIL.