Need advice about husband's son

[onlyadream]

I'm so sickened that I don't know what to do.
Here's the lowdown:
My husband and I have been together since 1990, now married 17 years with two kids (15 and 12). After we were together for 6 months, he broke down and told me that his ex had a baby and claimed he was the dad. They broke up due to her infidelity, so he was convinced that the baby wasn't his. I asked a lot of questions, feeling somewhat betrayed having been kept in the dark for those months. The baby was born about a month after we started dating. I don't remember what happened after that, but it has been in the back of my mind for many years, however, I really thought (or WANTED to think) that he was right, that he wasn't the father. In 1999, we received papers; the step-dad wanted to adopt. My husband signed and that was the end of it.
Well, the other day the universe spoke and literally put information in front of my face, which (with a little sleuthing) led me to find the now 21 year old boy on the internet. He is the spitting image of my husband, and what's more is that he is in college in the SAME two majors (double major) that my husband was in when I met him. There is NO DOUBT now that this is my husband's child.
I'm sickened. My thoughts about my husband are horrific. How could he? How could he!!!??? With more sleuthing, I find that the mom was ONLY 17. I'm even sicker now. HOW COULD HE!!!??? I told him that he DID have a son and his reaction was visceral. He calmed down and slowly, each day, he's asking questions (but still not wanting to view the pictures I've found - I think it would be too much). I want to know more - did he EVER give so much as a dime to this boy? - but it's not my place (or is it?) I don't understand why they didn't have a paternity test - or whatever. I can't believe my husband is a huge deadbeat. The boy is in his 3rd year of college, and I honestly would love to send a check to pay for the rest of his schooling, but (again) that's not my place (or is it?). He looks to be a great boy, REALLY great. I feel sorry that my husband missed out on knowing him.
So, what should I do (if anything)? There's also the entire issue of how this relates to my kids.

[seabeyond]

1. first....

you ought to be getting all the info and answers from your husband that you are asking on this board.

you could contact the mother and if your husband is open to contact can leave it with her. she can talk to son, and son can decide.

she was 17, i doubt your husband was much older. if not, then there is that. if he was quite a bit older, that is different.

so much of this depends on your husbands willingness to open up to him fuckin up, how he feels and what he wants to do.

[HopeHoops]

6. Sea's right. If he's unwilling, get a court order.

[Yooperman]

2. He is not the first nor will he be the last....

to have an unexpected child. Please don't judge him for how he chose to handle things. It sounds as though his son had a good family. It sounds as though his son is doing well. He is in college and will create his life according to his own wishes. Don't lose sleep over things that happened years ago... has your husband been a good father to your children? Has he been a good husband to you? Those are more important issues than a son that he had previous to your relationship.

I would strongly suggest seeing a counselor on this issue as it sounds as though the emotions are running very high with both of you. A good counselor will help walk you through these emotions and help you realize how to move forward and not let this issue tear you apart. Also a counselor will discuss how to broach the subject of contact. For all you know his son may not even be aware that he has a different father than he was raised by. So be careful and respect the parents wishes.

Their is much more to the world we create for ourselves than we can generally see. Take it slow ... time is not an issue here. If it is meant for them to have a relationship it will happen. If not that is ok also. Good Luck

[Arkansas Granny]

3. Calm down and really think this through. I know this has been a real shocker, but

it may not be as bad as it appears on the surface. If I have read your story correctly, you don't suspect your husband of infidelity to you, but you are obviously upset about not knowing all the details of the situation. You don't give any indication of how old your husband was when this child was conceived by a 17 year old girl. Twenty years ago in many states, 17 years of age was above the age of consent. Relationships which are illegal now were not considered to be more than inappropriate just a few years ago.

I don't mean for this next statement to sound harsh, but I don't know any other way to say it. Whether or not your husband knew he had fathered a child or not, he gave up any paternal rights he might have had in 1999. If the step-dad adopted the boy, he now has a father and may not want to have any contact with someone who has not been in his life. Before you take any action at all, you should consider the effect that it may have on this young man, who may or may not know anything about your husband. As far as the issue of support, if your husband did not believe the child to be his and the mother did not pursue the matter, I'm not sure what you expect that he should have done.

As far as how this will affect your relationship with your husband and your children, please consider counseling. This is obviously causing you great distress. If your husband doesn't want to attend, go by yourself. Sometimes an impartial listener can help you work your way through a problem and find your own answers.

Good luck to you.

[onlyadream]

4. more info

My husband was about 21 when this happened, I met him when he just turned 22 (right on his bday). The baby was born a month later (I had no idea until about 6 months later). My husband certainly knew about the baby but really went into a deep denial for so many years, just so sure that the baby was fathered by someone else. At least that's what I'm told. :/

From my investigating, I know for sure that the boy (now a 21 yo man, really) knows he was adopted. And, yes, he was raised well, and the dad was a good father (although they'd id divorce a while back).

The thing about going into the same exact majors - could it be a coincidence (due to genetics)? Or did the boy know what my husband was and in some kind of attempt to be "good enough" decided (on a subconscious level) to pursue the same field? I know that no one knows this, but it's running thru my head.

Counseling definitely sounds like it's needed (I was just looking into this earlier today). I did open up a can of worms here, but the truth needs to come out, one way or another. And the way it all came out was kind of amazing, like it was really meant to happen.

Thanks for everyone's input.

[HopeHoops]

5. You should get a paternity test doen for the KID'S sake.

If your husband is the real father, the boy (man) needs access to your husband's medical history. Even if they never form a relationship, that step should be done.

[Happyhippychick]

7. Both parties need to participate, the boy may not even know he has a different birth father

[Happyhippychick]

8. I'm a therapist, here's a freebie

I am curious as to why this has occurred now, were there are other issues you have with your husband and you are motivated to take a closer look?

He was in denial over the pregnancy but you were as well. You didn't insist on a paternity test in order to stay in the relationship, you took him at his word. I'm not saying this in a blaming way, I'm saying that there is some shared responsibility for keeping yourselves in the dark.

It sounds as if you have lost some respect for your husband over the way he handled this. And he handled it poorly, no doubt. However he is twice as old now and may not make the same choices today. Try to look at the man he is, not the boy he was.

If your issues are more about the man he is now, by all means get some guidance from a therapist.

I think your children must know about this from you and your husband because there is a strong possibility that they could find out from the other son one day and that would be shocking. Protect them first, above the fear of how they may view your husband once they know the truth. This would be my first priority in couples counseling, I think it's the most important issue.

Good luck to all of you. This is a difficult hurdle but not insurmountable.

[onlyadream]

9. I agree

And appreciate your advice. Since its now more than a week later, I'm calming down and my initial anger has subsided.

Yes, I know that we were both in denial. We both swept it under th rug. When he told me, we were both working our way through college, so it was easy to block it out since we were so busy with our lives, but it was in the back of my mind for sure. All this came out now because I found, quite by accident, the last name of the mom, which I never knew. Then I did some searches and it was all on Facebook... So much info (people need to privatize their accounts).

I know the boy knows his dad adopted him (saw the declaration on the dads Facebook time line).

I wonder why the boy is double majoring in the exact same majors as my husband. Could it be genetics? Or could it be the boy is aspiring to be like this birth father ( assuming the mom told him) or to provide a link between the two?

As for telling our children; should we wait until they're older (right now they're 12 and 15)?

Thanks again

[Happyhippychick]

10. I'm glad you are feeling better!

I can't tell you when to tell your children. I just hope you tell them before that other boy (possibly) enters the picture because it is as simple as a few keystrokes to figure it out as you well know. The double major thing is interesting, genetics work in very mysterious ways!

I think you and your husband need to be on the same page going forward and this is probably work to be done with a therapist. Take time to figure out what you want to do and see if he can do the same, then the discussions can take place and the plan can be worked out. The most important consideration in all of this is the boy and how this can impact him and your children and how this can impact them. If you start there it will make it easier to agree on a plan.

Good luck to both of you, this isn't easy and there are so many unknowns. Please keep us posted.

[jeff47]

11. On Genetics

I wonder why the boy is double majoring in the exact same majors as my husband. Could it be genetics?

Maybe. Depends on what the majors are, why he chose them, and a host of other factors. We're all hybrids of genetics and upbringing.

On the other hand, it could be completely coincidental.

You shouldn't take that as evidence of trying to be like "birth dad", unless there's a lot of other evidence to corroborate that.