Almost went to hospital, may still...

[Locut0s]

I'm sorry to worry everyone. Everyone here has been more supportive of me than I deserve or have any right to accept and I thank you for it!!!! I've dropped out, these last few days have been nervous breakdown hell I didn't attempt suicide but I was self harming, drinking till I blacked out and bin eating / purging, I've done some shameful stuff, nothing really bad just embarrassing, and my parents have had to do the leg work to get me out of the school while I went crazy. I've had breakdowns before but not quite this bad. I'm back home now trying to calm down and piece myself together. Trying to decide if I should admit myself to a mental health facility or not. The only real advantage of that would be that they could monitor me closely while they tried to adjust / change my meds to something that might be better. I don't know. I'm exhausted. I think I'll sleep the next few days. I know there is more to life than college. Even if I can't hack that, but I can't help but feel my life is over. It will take a few days at east before I'm thinking straight.

thanks

[TexasTowelie]

1. Hang in there.

I'm the first to admit that I've made poor decisions at certain times in my life, but for some unexplained reason I've decided to keep on going even through the darkest times. I'll probably never be as successful as I was earlier in life and my base of friends has shrunk dramatically throughout the years as they have matured and moved away. I'm not a very religious person, but I believe that there is a higher power and maybe his purpose for me is to reach out to others in despair in times like what you are experiencing tonight.

Awhile ago, one of my younger friends told me that life is hardest for those who are intelligent as they question self-awareness and the purpose of why they are here. I still haven't found those answers for myself yet and I've sunken into depression somewhat frequently over the last one-third of my life. Just know that there are people that care about you and that they would hurt if you do something as foolish as attempt suicide. I've known four people in my life that made serious attempts at suicide, some of them were short-term roommates during my college years while others were closer friends. One of them paid the ultimate price and died because of the attempt and the other three made it through to continue living. In each case I wondered if there was anything else I could have done that may have prevented those people from making the attempts.

It sounds like it might be best for you to get some medical treatment, whether that involves admission into a mental health facility is something you should discuss with the professionals. However, I know that mixing large amounts of alcohol with anti-depressants is dangerous and the binge drinking isn't going to make the situation better.

Good luck to you. I'll be awake for another hour or so and will check in so if you need to fire off an email or post I'll try my best to get back to you.

[Locut0s]

7. Thanks TT!...

The worst of my "break" is over with so I'm not likely to be doing any more binge drinking or other extremely stupid stuff like that. I am still eating way too much as that's one of the things I do when anxious but I'm not totally fucking panicking like I was a few days ago. I tend to have these nervous breaks. I call them "nervous breaks" for lack of a better term because they are sort of like psychotic breaks, sudden crisis in which I will set out and do stupid self destructive things (eat, drink spend too much money) only completely lacking in any psychotic traits or behavior. They aren't panic attacks either as they last a few days. What will happen is that I will get into a place where I feel cornered by life circumstances. Usually I feel there are responsibilities and expectations that I have to fulfill and I suddenly realize that I'm not in the right mental space to be able to continue / fulfill them. For example at school I felt I was trapped by several things, I was in the dorms at the time and that made it difficult to back out, I was in a group project that was working on an industry assigned assignment (I felt responsible to the other group members and the industry contact), I felt the pressure to understand the material, I felt the responsibility to uphold my image in the classroom as the "intelligent" easy going one so to speak (inside I was a roiling mess of anxiety but I had the opposite external reputation). All these perceived "responsibilities", I place that in quotes as I know I put this on myself, made me feel trapped. I couldn't go forward and I couldn't go back. So over the weekend I panicked and just dropped everything. I've done it before so I should have seen it coming, I did a few days before but it was too late by then.

I'm going to be speaking with my psychiatrist in a few days to see what lies ahead for me. I don't want to think about it till then as I only panic again when I do. I've got a short term script for Ativan that I've filled just to get me through some of the worst of it.

Again thanks for the support!

[annm4peace]

9. I also had these mini breakdowns

The would be full of anxiety.. not panic attacks.. but more anxiety.

found out a decade later they were bouts of anxiety/depression.. when I had a really bad one, I had to go to a psychiatrist. Just rest, nature, family wasn't getting me over it. anyhow, the Dr I knew and respected.. diagnosed me with Severe depression with anxiety.

I was put in effexor xr. I was on that for 10 years.

but last year I found out about 2 different treatments that i wish I knew about 12 years ago ,that both help with anxiety or/and depression.

Both incorporate mindfulness. Meditation is a form of mindfulness. Hatha Yoga uses mindfulness and what I preferred because my mind would have racing thoughts that made meditation too hard.

Anyhow, I psych dr in the city I know live in has a program and a couple books that you might find helpful.
Dr Henry Emmons. the books are Chemistry of Joy and Chemistry of Calm.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Chemistry-Joy-Workbook-Mindfulness/dp/1608822257/ref=pd_sim_b_1

http://www.amazon.com/dp/1439129061/?tag=mh0b-20&hvadid=1027885686&ref=pd_sl_1ib841uq4n_e

Dr Emmons bases some of his treatment on Jon Kabat-Zinn stress program.
He bases some of his treatment on Jon Kabat-Zinn stress program.

Dr Emmons started the "resiliency training that is in his book.

http://www.partnersinresilience.com/

*****
the other therapy i found out about and I'm just starting is: DBT.
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/
DBT combines standard cognitive-behavioral techniques for emotion regulation and reality-testing with concepts of distress tolerance, acceptance, and mindful awareness largely derived from Buddhist meditative practice. DBT may be the first therapy that has been experimentally demonstrated to be generally effective in treating Depression and Anxiety.

I'm trying DBT because it is structured and I talked to a couple people who found it very helpful.
****

they help you get control of your thoughts... of not letting your emotional mind take over your intellectual mind.


this isn't a substitute for counselor or Dr but must maybe find a Dr or counselor that uses these type therapies.

[annm4peace]

10. Guided Imjary also called hypnosis

I also found out about this women and her CD's.

a friend gave me the one for sleep. I really helped a lot.

I just purchased some other ones.. that I hope will be helpful.

http://www.amazon.com/Meditation-Relaxation-Wellness-Health-Journeys/dp/1881405567/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1379648519&sr=1-1&keywords=bella+ruth

[Denninmi]

2. Hey, so sorry you went through this.

Come back here as much as you need to. We're here to listen.

[Locut0s]

8. Thanks Denninmi you have been very supportive...

Everyone here has but you, and a few others stand out.

[Tobin S.]

3. Alright, man.

Take a rest. School will be there if you decide to try it again. Take it from me; I'm a 40 year old senior at Indiana University. I'll be 41 in a few weeks.

I apologize if it appeared that I was trying to push you to do something you didn't want to do. I just think back ten years ago when I was your age. I was giving college my second try then and only made it two quarters. I was trying to say to you the things that might have changed my mind back then. But you and I are different people. We are in different situations and have different problems. I should not have assumed what might have worked for me would work for you.

I will offer a bit of advice and I don't think this will be out of line despite what I said above. I think a problem with what you were doing is that you were not in a field of study that works with your strengths. I've seen you produce some amazing photographs, pictures that look to me to be of a professional talent. I'd explore that or something related to it as a possible career.

[Locut0s]

6. Please don't feel like you need to apologize...

Your suggestions were 100% the right thing to do and were kind and very well meaning, there is no way you could have known my exact state of mind. Hell, I didn't know my state of mind quite till it was too late. I should have never moved into the dorms and taken the heavy course load at the same time. I should have done part time, a few classes here and there and continued to work on myself. But I thought that perhaps I'd solved some of my issues. I realize now that most of the stuff I did during the summer, while they were positive strides, were largely cosmetic fixes. They were important cosmetic fixes, don't get me wrong, and have helped to mature me but I hadn't started to tackle the heart of the matter. But anyway hindsight is 20/20. One thing I DID learn by moving into the dorms though is that I don't have any serious issues living by myself which is a positive discovery.

As for the field of study that's a very difficult thing for me to decide. Computers really are a strong suit for me. The problem is, so are many things. I tend to get good grades in most things I do, the question is how much stress and anxiety they induce. My favorite topics are science and math, my strongest ones academically too, and I still had similar issues to this trying to get a degree in that back some years ago. Like you said though I think I have some skill at photography as well. So I don't really know where I should go. Making a living as a photographer is notoriously difficult. It's a cut throat business and unless you don't mind doing something like portrait or wedding photography, areas that I have little interest in, it can be a tough slog. Sadly I'm lacking in the one area that seems absolutely crucial to succeeding in almost everything. Self confidence, self motivation and the ability to sell one's self. People who have these skills can make a go at almost anything, regardless of skill. Those who lack almost any ability in these areas may find it difficult even with an abundance of skill or intelligence.

I'm going to see my psychiatrist again in a few days and I'll see where things go from there. Right now I don't want to think about the future at all as I'm not able to see anything positive at the moment. I realize that's the result of looking at things through the haze of anxiety and depression, but it's still disheartening.

Thanks for the reply Tobin

[hunter]

4. Sleep is good.

Anything "mostly harmless" is good.

Eat, drink, breathe, sleep, live another day.

All good.

[Locut0s]

5. Thank you hunter...

Last edited Thu Sep 19, 2013, 10:00 PM - Edit history (1)

As Shakespeare said "Sleep that knits up the ravelled sleave of care". So true. I'm still far too anxious all the time. I'm thinking of asking for a short, 2 week, course of Ativan or something similar just to get over this initial crisis point. I'm better than when I had the actual breakdown but I know this will last a while still.

Update: Got the Ativan. Haven't taken it yet but I'm feeling a bit better as I usually do at night.