How much does the mood of those arround you affect you?

[Locut0s]

Last edited Fri Jul 26, 2013, 12:01 AM - Edit history (1)

My father just got back from an unpleasant holiday in Europe. He went there to visit his ill friend, who has Parkinson's. He found the whole ordeal hard to take and mentally draining. As a result he has come back depressed and anxious about his own health. Since we live together and I've always been very close to my father I find this a bit difficult to take. His moods become my moods etc. Do others suffer from this? I'm trying my hardest not to let it happen though as I can't ruin the positive forward momentum I have built up here.

I should clarify what I meant by this question. I'm just very worried about having this happen at this fragile moment for me. I think anyone in my situation would feel that way I do now. But I have issues with this even when the emotions involved aren't serious.

For example there is being sad when your sister breaks up with her BF and is distraught about it. That's normal. And then there is falling into a depression because your sister simply had a bad day. I'm more of the 2nd person as a rule and that's not healthy.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. My dear Locut0s...

Oh boy, do they ever.

My husband and I work together so well. He calms me down, or I calm him down...it's great.

I have a good friend whose moods are normally calm and funny. When he's like that, I'm like that too, but when he's edgy, I pick it up like mad. We are really attuned to each other, for good or ill!

I think you need to recognize that this is something that happens, and it will pass. Once you have more confidence in your own moods, you won't suffer as much as you do now.

These moods are blips on the radar; they don't last.

So let them happen, and know that the mood will vanish in its own good time. Have confidence in your own integrity, and I think you'll be fine.

[Locut0s]

2. Thank you Peggy. I should keep this in mind. However...

One thing that worries me is that my father has his own life long issues with depression and anxiety. Very serious issues with it at times actually. If he didn't have this I would agree that this would / could be a passing mood for both of us. But with him there's the chance that he will slide into another mini nervous breakdown, he's had more than one over the years. It's selfish to worry about it for my own sake and not his but that's really the LAST thing I need right now

Thanks for the encouragement though!

[JayhawkSD]

4. Not everyone is subject to this...

... but only those who are sociopathic are not. It's called empathy and it's part of the human condition. Life would be horrible if we didn't have it. Just think for a moment what it would be like to have no emotional connection to people who love you.

[Locut0s]

5. This is true but there are different levels of being affected...

There is being empathic and feeling sad when your sister breaks up with her BF and is distraught about it. And then there is falling into a depression because your sister simply had a bad day. My father in this case is actually going through something serious emotionally. But I'm more of the 2nd person as a rule and that's not healthy. I'll edit the OP to clarify what I meant.

[JayhawkSD]

6. And there you make a very good point.

I will go on to make a second point which will, at first blush, sound uncaring and rough but think it through with me,..

The second stage of this realization, the awareness, is that "this is not about me."

Rain is bad if you're having a parade or a picnic; it's good if you're a farmer. In reality, rain is just rain. It has no inherent value. "Good" and "bad" are value judgements which we place on rain, and we apply them based on how the rain affects us.

We apply those judgements even when the rain is not actually falling on us, but is falling on someone else, because we feel for those upon whom it is falling; because we have empathy for those people. But that rain doesn't make us wet, so why are we drowning? It's because we are too centered around "self."

Think, for a moment, what we are doing. We are applying our judgement to a gloabl phenomenum. One of the greatest abilities I have been given in a set of spiritual tools which I use is the ability to take myself out of the center of the universe and realize that how I feel about something doesn't matter. Rain is just rain, and I am not the arbiter of its goodness or badness. I may look at the visible effect and think that it harming someone's parade, but I am not in charge of the rain and I am not in charge of how they feel. I am still able to empathise with their loss, but their loss and their feelings about it do not harm my well being because that parade was not about me.

One of the most powerful thoughts in the world is the thought is, "this is not about me."

My wife comes home from work tired and in a bad mood. I could respond to that bad mood in kind, be in a bad mood myself and pick a fight with her; let her depression and tiredness influence me and affect the way I interact with her. Believe me, there is that inclination. But I remind myself that the "this is not about me," and I let my nice day continue on into a nice evening. Most of the time I help her as much as I help myself.

[mopinko]

7. my kids can slice and dice my brain in a heartbeat.

both by being pissed off at me, or being crushed themselves.

[olddots]

8. When I'm around depressed people I become the therapist

when I'm around bubbly happy shallow jock types I walk the other way and look for the people who don't kid themselves .

[Locut0s]

9. I'd rather something in between :P...

I don't want to be around fake bubbly happy people. But I prefer to be around genuinely happy easy going people.

[olddots]

10. I went the kind of the same thing with my father

he became morosely depressed about death of loved ones and work and I felt like I had to become his father ---real Freudian and uncomfortable . Do you feel he is more comfortable with his depression with you or your mother ? this stuff is really hard to handle because there seems to be no manual .That's what you got us for we watch our parents become our children at times --it hurts .

[Locut0s]

11. So far he's ok but yes I've experienced that...

Some years back when he had a mini breakdown I had to comfort him. It wasn't that bad but seeing your own father cry and look terrified all the time is, well, more than a little unsettling. He is indeed more comfortable with me with his depression than my mother. The two of them are very different people, I'm much more like my father than my mother. He confides in her too but she's by comparison a much harsher coarser person. She's not at all unloving but she usually cuts right to the bone when dealing with issues and doesn't know how to handle delicate emotions or issues. At times she can some across as downright uncaring or cruel but that's not meant at all. At other times she's actually the one who is much more caring, it's a strange dynamic. Funny now that I think about it, my father is the soft hearted liberal of the family, a real teddy bear. He's nice to a fault. My mother is the harsh reality broker who will cut right to the chase. But when the two of them are at their kindest it's my mother who usually get's to me. Anyway like I said family dynamics are so complex and fucked up at times.

[olddots]

12. we could make some good jokes

if it wasn't for families there'd be no therapists , I have always felt a kinship for Woody Allen because he may be so neurotic that he has to make it into humor which wears a little thin at times but seems to work for him .