I just realized I think my home environment has become toxic...

[Locut0s]

I'm 31 live at home with my parents and have suffered from depression and anxiety for most of my life as others may already know here. My patents love me to a fault and support me in anything I do. In fact I think they are in some ways to blame for some of my mental problems BECAUSE of how close they have been to me throughout my life, I've had difficulty developing a sense of self and my own self confidence. At any rate these past few months I've been near suicidally depressed at times and am in a constant state of overloaded stress. The discussion at home as turned into one of near constant 24/7 concern for me interspersed with outbursts of frustration and anger on both sides. I don't blame my parents for being at their wits end given how much stress I've put them through. But it only recently occurred to me that this environment of constant concern, talk about how I need to get better, and agitation has become toxic for me.

It never really occurred to me but while the root causes of my anxiety and depression lie elsewhere this family environment must be acting as a negative feedback mechanism for me.

I'm as much to blame as my parents as I frequently sigh deeply around my parents and express my feelings of despair. But I don't have any friends or other ways to vent, to them it seems mean and vindictive at times. Perhaps it is subconsciously but to me it just seems like a natural reaction to feelings of despair.

At any rate how do I end this cycle?

[NYC_SKP]

1. Perhaps...

Not having any other friends or ways to vent must be very trying for you, but it also suggests possible forms of relief: finding ways to interact with people outside your home, in a class, in a job, in a hobby, in spending a few hours volunteering in a setting with others.

I wish I could be of more help, and I hope you find solutions!

[Locut0s]

2. Thanks. I don't make friends easily. In fact I'm not sure I've ever had a true good friend...

Life long social anxiety has meant few friendships. When I was a kid I had a few friends but even then there was something decidedly one sided about most of these friendships. I've become extremely adept at the small talk thing to the point where most people think I'm an extrovert but the truth is I keep everyone at arms length emotionally. I never meet hardly anyone outside class / work time and have no social life at all. Being bullied pretty severely through most of k-12 probably added to my issues.

[Newest Reality]

3. Can you consider a

reality where the anxiety and depression are not coming from outside or somewhere else?

What you are feeling may be perfectly normal for your situation in relationship to your own nature. Of course, you don't like it and that's fine, but it can rather easily become a vicious circle of conflicting emotions and habitual responses.

We are really good at forming habits to the point we don't even notice how that works. If you drive a care or ride a bike, just how often to you think about the process and and actions required to do it? If you see what I am getting at, then this can also apply to the conceptual and emotional patterns you are experiencing.

Do what you can to relax more and more. Don't try to, just do it. Pay attention to the patterns in an easygoing way and watch them more. Notice. Get into the feelings in the body more and let the thoughts play a bit until you can distract yourself calmly.

You can feed patterns just by trying to break them. You can break them or change their direction by seeing what triggers them and how they unfold. That's when you find a break and start doing something very different than you are used to -- just when the feelings or behavior start.

That way, you can start to resolve your conflicting emotions, (internal conflicts) because they are often what leads to the somatic responses of certain anxieties and depressions.

Breath deep and let go, relax, let it be. Pay more attention to all your senses, not just the repetitive nature of self-talk -- that's the pattern playing itself.

Keep in mind that it can take a little time and repetition to calm down, be more aware, and notice the results of the changes you are creating.

Talk to someone outside the situation from time to time, especially if they will assist you by feeding back any improvements you make.

Oh, and when you feel anxious, go with it. Be anxious. I mean that. Don't just let it ride and try to avoid it or put energy into trying to get rid of it. Be it to the point that you are seeing it start and feeling it as "emotional energy" that is getting sidetracked or blocked. That's one way to recondition yourself because the "anxiety" can just well-up, abide, and then release itself, (which can be a bit interesting) as you let it FLOW through you instead of blocking or resisting it.

Spend some time reading up and researching on various ways that people cope with your kind of situation and about people who have moved on and found out how to balance and relax deeply on a regular basis.

Hope that helps. Of course, it is meant as friendly advice and some personal tips I've used and you should see a professional for anything you feel requires that kind of help.

Good fortune! This could be a situation that will bring some growth, insight and peaceful changes to your state of mind and body if you let it and see it as transitional.

[Neoma]

4. Stating your age all the time doesn't help with your depression.

If you're chanting in your head how frustrating it is to be this old and be in this situation, maybe you need to back away from that fact?