Rant. Having been doing well. Self destructing :'(

[Locut0s]

What follows is a rant more than anything. Please don't feel obliged to read it. Just the act of typing and getting it out there can be somewhat cathartic.

I've been treating myself like utter shit recently to the point now where I'm worried I've developed diabetes. Over the past few months with the stress from university and concomitant depression I've been eating junk food non stop and binge drinking alcohol on weekends. This past month I've been so exhausted every day when I get home that I think I really am sick, not just depressed. I can't do ANYTHING after getting back from a day at school, just climbing the stairs exhausts the hell out of me and today I feel a bit dizzy. I'm going in for blood tests tomorrow to see what I've done to myself.

It all stems from a deep seated self hatred that is difficult for me to overcome. I'm self destructive, I know it and I really don't give a shit when deeply depressed. I guess I really should look at a change in medication again. Been taking the same SSRI for about 10 months and it doesn't seem to help that much. But I've tried 4 or 5 different ones at this point. I should also see a therapist, but the last one I saw didn't seem to be of much help. Again the real problem is trying to stop hating myself so much. You can't really start getting better till you start feeling you are worth it. No amount of talk therapy is going to help if you aren't willing to take the necessary steps required to get better yourself. And when I think as lowly as I do about myself I'm not usually able to talk myself into doing anything positive.

At any rate I suppose there is SOME good news. I've somehow managed to finish my exams for this semester. Though there is still 5 more weeks in a special projects course I have to do, I don't believe it's anything as stressful. I didn't get a job out of the Co-Op course I got into at my University but perhaps that's for the better as I need some decompression time. My birthday is tomorrow and I'm going out with the family to a nice dinner. Just got to try not to bring myself silly this weekend like I've been doing the last few weekends. Though the way I feel right now, these past few weeks really, I don't think my body can handle much more of that before shutting down on me. *Sigh*

I'm worrying the shit out of my parents and they are getting understandably angry and impatient, I frankly don't know how they have put up with me all these years (been depressed and or anxious most of my life and I'm turning 31) I certainly don't deserve to be still living off them at home at my age. I frankly don't know what keeps me going except the thought that I'd devastate my parents I've I took a rain check on my life. As hard as I've been on them I couldn't do that. Still I'm broken and don't seem to fit in anywhere in
this world. Sure I'm fairly above average intelligence wise (or so people keep telling me), a lot of good that does me when every avenue I turn down looks like dead end. How am I going to make it in the world when just getting through each day at school is a Sisyphean feat? Life's supposed to be fun not a perpetual game of "Stress Russian Roulette", there's no bullet in the chamber but you don't know that and every day you have to pull the trigger.

Anyway sorry for this turgid mess of a rant. I'm just exacerbated, exhausted and at my wits end. Who knows maybe the coming weeks of less work will turn my mood a bit.

[Neoma]

1. Well, stop drinking for one.

Last edited Fri Apr 19, 2013, 01:44 PM - Edit history (1)

Easier said than done, but it'd add to the diabetic crap. Cook beans (kidney, red, pinto...) and brown rice for breakfast, have it pre-made. Eat a salad for lunch (not too much salad dressing), nuts and seeds for snacks, and random veggies (cooked carrots, asparagus, spinach, broccoli, cauliflower, etc.) for supper and a small portion of meat if you're a meat eater. All of that can be easily made. Just throw some pepper in or something else if you're adventurous. You just need a soup pan and a skillet with a lid for all that. When you get home with all the veggies, wash all if it so that putting it together later is easier.

Find time to sleep. If you can't do anything much at a certain time, go to sleep. At this point, getting any sleep at any time of the day might be better than what you've been doing.

Doing all of that might be very hard at first, but it will get easier once your body adjusts. Then you might be well enough to exercise properly.

I hope that helps.

Edit: Limit your sugar intake to fruit. No soda. Drink either hot tea, milk or water. Stay away from juice, that will sugar crash you.

[libodem]

2. Super good advice

And be kind to yourself.

[Neoma]

4. I was going to do all that before getting hit...

The healthy food bit.

[libodem]

5. Beans and rice are cheap and filling

In the 70' s I had two friends that kept cooked brown rice in the frig, to stir fry with veggies as needed. I learned to like it from them. Nutty and chewy. Hope your hip is doing better.

[Locut0s]

12. As a somewhat amusing side story my father became known for his horrid slow cooker recipes...

In the 60s and 70s living as a bachelor with 0 cooking skills he became known among his friends for making these horrid slow cooker meals. I'm reminded of this story because he often used brown rice and tinned beans along with a mish mash of whatever else cheap he could find. He'd throw it all in a slow cooker for far too long till he had a bland tasteless "bachelor's mash".

[Locut0s]

7. Thanks for the support. I know I need to improve my diet and start exercising...

I'm sure my Dr will be even harsher when my test results come back. I'm hoping that if my mood proves I can get started on some of this.

[Neoma]

10. Improve your diet first.

Then exercise. If you're afraid of being diabetic, exercise brings your blood sugar down and it regulates your sleep! It's all connected.

This is the stuff I've been trying to apply to my life. I'm bossy like this to myself too.

[olddots]

3. Lack of sleep hinders critical thinking ability

lack of sleep is like a speed high where we burn ourselves out so we can crash , toss in diet and effects of meds and boom .

Don't stop ranting ,you internalize this stuff and it gets dangerous .

[Locut0s]

8. Indeed however I'm getting too much sleep actually. It's just not restorative sleep...

I'll see when my test results get back what I may have. Another possibility is sleep apnea or other similar sleep condition. Or just the depression and anxiety, which is well known to cause exhaustion.

[libodem]

6. Ranting lets it all out

Good to put it to paper and get it out of your head. I've had anger issues sneak out of me this week. Where did it come from? Bang. Then it was over but I still feel guilty.

I almost never lose my shit.

[Locut0s]

9. Thank you. I hope you are feeling better yourself too. Anger is usually the result of feeling...

Like you have lost control of some aspect of your life.

[libodem]

11. Thanks

You are probably right.