Just had an epiphany

[no_hypocrisy]

The narcissistic abuse endured by myself, my siblings, and our mother by our father originated in his father.

Our father had to learn his method of browbeating, denigrating, controlling, degrading (and more) from somewhere. He wasn't born with it.

I suddenly remembered how our mother would criticize Dad's sisters for being too emotional, too hysterical, too dramatic. I actually saw one aunt screaming, crying, being hysterical, with clothes being strewn around a motel room just before going to my cousin's wedding. It was something. This was 53 years ago. I saw it.

My point: All those hysterics, emotional responses had to come from somewhere. And no, you can't fall back on they had "something wrong" with them. They were reacting like I reacted when my father was on a mission to hurt and to damage.

To me, this demonstrates that my grandfather was abusive to everyone in his family, zero empathy. He was engaged to a young woman for 3-1/2 years in 1900 before jilting her behind her back to marry my grandmother. He didn't know my grandmother, didn't love her, but wanted to be brought into the business of her brother. That's how marriages happened sometimes back in the day. His fiancée saw the publication of the NEW marriage license in the newspaper THE MORNING OF THE WEDDING OF MY GRANDPARENTS. The first fiancée was left as damaged goods and never married. My aunt was born as a result of marital rape.

My grandfather was a prick. Who begot another prick, who mentally abused me and my family. I'm the only one who got out alive with my sanity.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. Good for you, my dear no_hypocrisy!

Major kudos for your survival with your sanity intact.

[no_hypocrisy]

7. Your recognition and appreciation are so welcome to me, Peggy.

You can't imagine "waking up" in your 60's, without a therapist, and you figure out what happened.

And you claim your identity.

[Clouds Passing]

2. Hugs

I was born of spousal rape. We become the unwanted scapegoated children. The hatred/blame from the mother is something we never “get over”. The shame is sweltering. My father was a narcissist.

[mopinko]

3. i'll forever b grateful that my mother broke the cycle of physical punishment, mostly.

i never met either of my grandpas, but i gather from a few hints that my dad’s dad was a violent asshole. my mom told a story of leaving my dad w my oldest sister to go grocery shopping. she was pg w #2. when she came home, my sister had a bruise on her butt.
now, my mom was not raised that way. she was a spoiled child, having only 1 brother, instead of the usual big irish family. that grandpa was a sweet and gentle man. i doubt she was ever even spanked.

when mom saw that bruise, she put her foot down. and it mostly stuck until my brother was born. he’s in the middle of 6 girls. dad said- u can tell me how to treat the girls, but no 1 is gonna tell me how to raise my son. i suspect my brother had/has adhd. he did very poorly in school, and quickly killed my dad’s dream that his son wd b a doctor, like he didnt get to b. (the depression ruined that for him.) bro got beaten on the regular.

that shit ran downhill. i’m 5 yrs younger, and i was picked on mercilessly.
my dad either saw his kids as shining stars or invisible losers. i was a star. to this day, 1 of my sisters cant stand me.

i got a couple of spankings in my lifetime. we had a boxer dog that laid down the final line. he was going to spank me, but the dog came up behind him, grabbed his hand, sat down, and almost said out loud, oh no, you’re not. that was the last time he raised a hand to any of us.

all of which is to say, the cycle CAN b broken. sometimes from an unexpected corner.

[Lulu KC]

5. Good dog!

I'm glad he didn't go after the dog.

[mopinko]

6. that dog adored him, too.

dad was absolutely the alpha. typical boxer.

[Lulu KC]

4. Yes--multi-generational abuse!

When I realized it about my mom it was so liberating. When we have pain, we share it somehow, and we can do that unconsciously. It's like air. We didn't find out about what she'd experienced until she hit dementia and stopped pretending like she had "the most wonderful mother in the world." And who knows how many generations before had been so adept with that razor-sharp tongue?

Not only could I see what she did, but I could see what I had done with my kids. It was time for an apology. Oddly, they seemed to totally get it. The healing began for all of us at the same time.

[OldBaldy1701E]

8. "I'm the only one who got out alive with my sanity."

I really wish I could say the same about myself.

Mine was physical as well as mental. He was a 'belt' father. He would also use whatever he could get his hands on, but mostly he used the belt. He sliced my legs open on a few occasions while beating me with it. Nothing came of it. That was what usually happened. Then, my brother came along and he turned his attention to him. Not for beatings. My little brother was the apple of both of their eyes.

I was a useful grunt that they barely seemed to tolerate.