Guilt

[Sparkly]

Many days, I feel awful for feeling awful. I feel weak for being weak. I feel wrong for having something wrong with me.

I've felt guilt for incapacity, and have apologized for whining that I'm tired, things hurt, I need to rest, or even plainly that I have other, important priorities right now. The more time passes, the more I want to hoard my time, and the more I feel guilt for it.

On the other side, I feel guilt for people mourning the death they know is coming, and the knowing they will live without me. I'm seeking support to get through this -- because surely this must be normal? Like, I feel badly to see the people around me in pain because I am going to die, and they will have to adjust and live without me, and what will next year be like if I don't make it that far, etc...

Don't get me wrong -- I love how much they love me! But on another level, I feel I'm letting them down, somehow. It doesn't have to be rational -- it just is. I can't be the only one who's felt this way, so if anyone knows of a book, a group, anything helpful about this, I'd really appreciate it! Thanks in advance.

[niyad]

1. I wish I had some truly helpful answers, or at least suggestions, for you,

but all I can offer is hugggggs. Holding you and your family in love and light. Your DU family is here for you. Lean as hard as you need.

[Sparkly]

2. That is exactly what I need -- thank you!

[niyad]

3. You are most welcome. I am often up late ( this is not late), if you need

an ear.

[blm]

4. I felt similar with my family after my heart episode

Comforted by the support and love, but, feeling guilty about the inevitable burdens.
Day by day.
You are loved.

[Sparkly]

7. Thank you.

[Frasier Balzov]

5. Please don't feel guilty.

We all end up the same place.

We're all following right behind you.

You have the luxury of goodbyes. Many of us won't.

[Sparkly]

8. That perspective is reality, as well.

Thanks, Frasier! I've often wondered which is easier, both for the dying and for the survivors. My father died in 2001 after a long, slow illness. My mother died in 2002, in a shocking manner -- just alive and then dead, but she was 11 years younger!

I will certainly go much younger than she did, even - and yet... Maybe this is just about right for me. Enough time, and not too much.

[PikaBlue]

6. Some Thoughts

My daughter went through this and continues to have occasional bouts of guilt. She was diagnosed with a very rare type of cancer two years ago. She feels guilty because her cancer took away her ability to have children, hence she feels guilty that I will have no grandchildren. She feels guilty because she is depressed and cross and not happy every time we are together. She feels guilty because we are the very last of our family - no siblings for either of us; grandparents, aunts, uncles all gone. She feels guilty that she may leave me all alone in my last years (I'm 72). None of the things she feels guilty about bother me in the least. What bothers me is that she wasted precious time on guilt. I gave her a project. I asked her to start a journal for me. I want her to write down her memories of our time together. Happy memories, sad memories, whatever impacted her. I am doing the same for her because it's possible I will be the first to go. My entries are relatively short but always end with telling her how much she means to me and how much faith I have in her to continue on her life's journey. I remind her that she is strong, smart, capable, kind, generous, and that however long or short her life may be, she has made a difference in this world. I know that her journal entries to me are very much the same. It's okay if you can't be there for your family right now. It's not your fault that you are working on the end of your journey. You can leave them with memories, wisdom, hope, confidence, laughter, and grateful tears that will strengthen them when you can no longer walk beside them. When my best friend of 55 years died, she selected a personal belonging for each of her family and friends. These were simple items, not anything expensive. In addition to the item, each of us received a letter in which she related what she most loved about us, how she felt we impacted her life, and, of course, what quirk of personality or habit we possessed that made her grit her teeth and bite her tongue. I read her letter many times each year, even though she has been gone for over a decade. Try not to focus on what you are unable to do for them now. Focus on what you can leave for them that will strengthen them and hold them up in the years to come. Leave something they can read over and over again knowing they will hear your voice as they read your messages. I send you much love and peace.

[Sparkly]

9. WOW - thank you so very much for this!!

I will save and treasure it.

Part of my worry (and reason for wanting support among terminally ill) is what to "leave behind" --- I worry that some things could seem creepy or upsetting or make people feel melancholy?

But your words are wise and beautiful. Thank you so much!!

[XanaDUer2]

10. I love you, Sparkly

That is all you're in my thoughts

[Sparkly]

12. I love you back

Just for saying that right now!

[Maraya1969]

11. I do not know if this is helpful at all but the process of my mom's

death was kind of wonderful when I look back. I had always been reserved around her because I was afraid of her criticism. After she had her stroke she couldn't talk anymore and so I started opening up to her. She didn't die for a few more years but I started talking to her a lot.

One day when she was in assisted living I decided to tell her all the good things I remembered about my childhood. Things like the vacations they took us on and the crafts my mom taught me. I remembered so many things and even though she could not talk she smiled; every time.

One thing I did not think of was to ask questions. Now I will think of something from the past and wish I could ask her more details. You can encourage your family to do that and it might be very nice.

It was an honor to take care of my mom in her last years. It certainly wasn't fun a lot but it left me with something special. Your loved ones will know that too.

[Sparkly]

13. I think I know what you mean

from losing my parents, and from the ways they lost theirs.

I'm grateful that my daughter is making a true effort to see me as often as she can lately, not for any "special reason," which makes it even better, in a way.

I will encourage her to ask me questions. (I'm left with many I wish I'd asked my parents, too!)

Thank you for sharing your experience and giving me that advice.