A new self portrait

[femmedem]

Sorry I've been largely absent from the group lately. I was without a computer charger for over a week and didn't do much on DU except read and recommend on my phone.

But I just finished this oil painting. It's not great but it's the best my skill level allows for now. I wanted to document the moment, and also I needed to do something creative to take my mind off my anxiety and grief. As some of you know, my mother suffers from advanced dementia and although I am able to video chat with her often, she's receiving hospice care now and I fear she will never see family again, or understand why no one is visiting her anymore. She recently had pneumonia (not covid-related) and the trauma of being in ICU left her unable to speak more than a few words.

At least when I'm painting, I'm focusing on color, value and shape instead of everything else.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. This is really excellent, my dear femmedem!

You have captured your current situation quite well. I see your anxiety in your eyes.

You look as though you haven't had much sleep.

Please take care of yourself. You matter to us.

Try not to worry about things you have no control over. That's hard, I know.

[femmedem]

4. Thank you, dear California Peggy. Yes, I've been averaging under four hours sleep a night.

I go to bed at a decent hour but then I wake up at 2:00 or 3:00 and can't get back to sleep. Once in a while I can catch six hours and then the world looks better.

[MLAA]

2. Au contraire it is excellent!

I love how you have bold brush strokes. Creating a wonderful hand with what seems like bare minimum of strokes and effort. The floral background seems to be the perfect level, not to strong, not too indistinct. I think portraits are the hardest things to paint. I say you really nailed it !

[femmedem]

5. Oh, that hand! That was the last part I finished. It looked corpse-like for quite a while

but this afternoon I was able to improve the drawing and midtones on it. So, so much effort went into that hand, so your comment means a lot to me.

I was interested in working pattern on pattern so I tacked that piece of floral vintage fabric behind me. I had fun painting that background and describing it just enough to be interesting, not so much that it became a painting about a piece of fabric.

[Freedomofspeech]

3. Wow...

That is brilliant. You have really captured your emotions. Thank you for sharing.

[femmedem]

6. Thank you. It's funny how emotions come out when all I'm trying to do

is capture some colors and forms. I didn't even see the emotion until you and Peggy mentioned it.

[lunatica]

7. I don't know why you think it isn't great.

I love your idea of documenting what’s happening! The painting is profound and it shows a sadness even as you have a mask with birds decorating it and the background flowered wallpaper. Your composition and brushwork are very appealing and your hand, situated close to your heart Is also emotional. It adds an element of mystery making the viewer see a hint more of the reason for the expression in the eyes. The flesh tones on your face and hand are very good. You didn’t overwork any part of the painting, keeping every part of it consistent.

You included a lot of patterns and textures creating interest for the viewer to appreciate the different elements of the painting. The drapery in the blouse reveals that there is a body beneath it. It’s a mysterious painting that makes the viewer want more information because of the mask and it’s also a historical one about a time and place and a very personal acknowledgement of the times. It’s brilliant and you pegged it. Whatever it is!

I’m really sorry about your mother. My mother had Dementia and had home hospice care too. It’s really heartbreaking that you can’t visit, but from experience I will assure you that she can’t be in better hands than she is now. Hospice workers are proof that there are angels and they walk among us. And they are there to help families too. If they assigned you a family social worker they will help you get through this. And though it is a glimmer only her caretakers will not let her linger in sadness. Her passing will be very gentle, like my mother’s was.

[femmedem]

8. Your comments are always so thoughtful and encouraging and empathetic. Thank you.

I work in the historic preservation field and am probably going to put out a call for submissions in my community for photographs, writing or other art so that we have a record of how it's affecting us. I'm just pondering how I want to make it digitally available and how to reach out to a full cross section of our population.

I am sorry your mother suffered through dementia, and of course glad that hospice was there for her. Hospice was wonderful for my father, and like so many others, our family's only regret was that we waited so long to bring them in. Because of the pandemic, hospice workers can only visit the facility where she lives once every two weeks unless someone is in the last few days of life, but the staff where she lives is kind and dedicated. But they miss things: in February she fell and broke her hip, and days went by before they realized she needed to see a doctor. It's tough because I don't think she can verbally alert them to pain and her facial expressions are diminishing, too. Some days she looks as if she is sad and struggling to communicate with me telepathically, but other days she does look relaxed. She adores her robotic cat, and when she looks at it, you can tell that she feels love and connection.

[lunatica]

9. I know it's painful not being there with her

Over the years whenever my mother was in the hospital I was by her side every day, all day. I would travel to her when I lived out I’d state. I took over where the nurses left off. The nurses, always being overworked appreciated me being there. I would even take care of any room mates she had. When people become elderly they do need someone to watch and pay attention because of things like broken bones, and to make sure bed sores don’t get the chance to develop.

Hugs to you

[Lord Ludd]

10. Let me add my compliments, femmedem

It's a haunting self-portrait that perfectly reflects the times -- a work to be proud of.

My sympathies with you & your mum.

[femmedem]

12. Thanks, Lord Ludd--for the compliment and the sympathy. n/t

[bif]

11. Very nicely done!

This has inspired me to attempt a self portrait. I did one a while back, but it didn't turn out that great. I find people so difficult to do but you've mastered it. And painting is so therapeutic, isn't it? I'm a recovering drinker, and painting in my studio is my refuge.

[femmedem]

13. Yes, it's therapeutic for me as well.

It forces you to be in the moment; there's no room for other thoughts.

I hope you do try a self-portrait. I'm doing more than usual these days because I so rarely leave the house.