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Tinder Hasn't Worked, So I'm Putting Myself on Zillow
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/tinder-hasnt-worked-so-im-putting-myself-on-zillowAfter a decade on dating apps, I've decided to enter a different market. This is why I'm listing myself on Zillow until I find a good match--which, to my understanding, will be about forty-eight hours.
I realize that my late-'80s construction might not land me in the "trending" section right away, but I asked my friend Shelly--who hosts occasional RE/MAX open houses now that she's accepted that her remaining doTerra stock will never sell--to vouch for me as "having a lot of character." And let's be real, even if I did have the personality of a McMansion, in this economy, lots of people would still put on brave smiles and call me "aspirational."
Shelly was concerned for me at first: "Aren't you worried about getting messages with intrusive questions?" But she met her husband at a Mumford & Sons concert in 2012, so she wasn't around when we were fighting for our lives on the browser version of OkCupid. I had to explain to her that I'd already gotten every "Are those original?" and carpet-versus-drapes question via DM back when I was still on Match.com. Whatever people want to know, I can handle it.
More than anything, I'm looking forward to finally getting recognition for having good bones. I've maintained a steady intake of Vitamin D since the "Got Milk" days, and in my thirties, I've even learned how to use weight machines correctly. But do any of the gym-selfie finance bros think to swipe right to ask about that? Of course not. They're all looking for a twenty-four-year-old with a super-low square footage and the same smooth beige walls. I've got texture, baby.
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I realize that my late-'80s construction might not land me in the "trending" section right away, but I asked my friend Shelly--who hosts occasional RE/MAX open houses now that she's accepted that her remaining doTerra stock will never sell--to vouch for me as "having a lot of character." And let's be real, even if I did have the personality of a McMansion, in this economy, lots of people would still put on brave smiles and call me "aspirational."
Shelly was concerned for me at first: "Aren't you worried about getting messages with intrusive questions?" But she met her husband at a Mumford & Sons concert in 2012, so she wasn't around when we were fighting for our lives on the browser version of OkCupid. I had to explain to her that I'd already gotten every "Are those original?" and carpet-versus-drapes question via DM back when I was still on Match.com. Whatever people want to know, I can handle it.
More than anything, I'm looking forward to finally getting recognition for having good bones. I've maintained a steady intake of Vitamin D since the "Got Milk" days, and in my thirties, I've even learned how to use weight machines correctly. But do any of the gym-selfie finance bros think to swipe right to ask about that? Of course not. They're all looking for a twenty-four-year-old with a super-low square footage and the same smooth beige walls. I've got texture, baby.
...more...