I just read a quote on Reddit in a response by a random person that is hitting me like a ton of bricks.

[LuckyCharms]

Has that ever happened to you?

Have you read a simple sentence that resonated loudly with you?

This quote has nothing to do with anyone here. It has to do with my family dynamics.

Here it is:

”We do not get an award at our graves for tolerating bad behavior, or from keeping quiet when something hurts us.”

Yep.

[Renew Deal]

1. You don't always get a medal for confronting it.

And often “bad” is subjective and depends on context.

[defacto7]

4. You may not get a medal but at least you tried. n/t

[LuckyCharms]

5. To what end?

More abuse?

That's how I'm looking at it.

[defacto7]

10. I'm sad for your situation.

There are times to confront and times not to. Life can be treacherous that way.

[LuckyCharms]

11. There are times to walk away as well.

[Think. Again.]

2. Something I learned the hard way...

"You're not offering forgiveness if there's no remorse, you're giving permission."

[defacto7]

6. Well, there goes the turning the other cheek idea. n/t

[LuckyCharms]

8. Sometimes when you turn the other cheek...

you get slapped in that one, too.

[defacto7]

12. True n/t

[txwhitedove]

13. Thats what i tell family, turning the other cheek only got me beat up.

[debm55]

15. That's very true

[royable]

25. Um, that's exactly the implication of the expression.

Allowing for the possibility you will be struck again.

[LuckyCharms]

27. Right. That's the original meaning of Christ's teachings...

But I take it to mean "Do not retaliate against someone who has hurt you".

Turn the other cheek, expect yet another slap, and do not retaliate.

[debm55]

30. and again and again and again.

[Think. Again.]

9. Absolutely.

Making a victim of yourself helps no one.

[wnylib]

43. I think that turning the other cheek is too often

misinterpreted or misunderstood. I see it as meaning don't become like the person who slapped you. Don't get down in the mud with them.

There are times when you must take action. It does not always mean fighting back physically, although it might in some settings. There are other ways to fight back when necessary.

I was once married to an abusive man who was physically violent, threatened to kill me, and tried a couple timea. Turning the other cheek would have been suicidal. So would fighting back physically due to size differences. Accepting the occasional apology was meaningless.

But divorce was a good alternative to forgiveness without remorse or change. Better than physically fighting back. Better than literally standing still and turning the other cheek while he killed me.

[LuckyCharms]

7. Perfect. n/t

[soldierant]

37. That is a mich shrter ans sweeter way to say it

than I have been using: "You can't forgive someone who isn't repentant, not so much because you can't give it as that the offender cannot receive it."

[Demovictory9]

3. Amen!!!

[onecaliberal]

14. We cut off both sides. They are not happy with us.

Tense conversations explaining that their votes have real consequences in the world. We will not be part of people’s lives that are indifferent to ours. They are voting to kill us and destroy.
They have zero positive for Joe Q. Public.

[camartinwv]

16. Best bet is to walk away and stay away. You won't get an award but your life will be much more peaceful.

That’s award enough.

[erronis]

18. Quiet leaving or ghosting.

[littlemissmartypants]

24. Not me. I take no...

Sh¡t, only prisoners. I'm not here for skulking. Life is too short. I do however have an indirect approach to agitators and/or warfare, most of the time.

It's the "they don't know what hit them" combined with the "didn't see that coming" approachs that I'm the most comfortable with.

Most of the time I am a very nice person. I'm extremely tolerant until I've exhausted all other options and circumstances warrant otherwise. I do believe in some exceptions on a case by case basis. I'm definitely not a pushover.

[Marthe48]

17. Maybe this is a good place to put this

I got along with new neighbors, even though I didn't have much in common with them. But then, last spring, they cut down 7 healthy, mature pines along the edge of their property by the road. When they did that, I realized that I had nothing in common with them whatsoever, and stopped talking to them, totally iced them out. Had the trees been in the way, had there been wires, had the trees been dying, I would have understood. But they built a carport beside the trees before they cut them down, and there was plenty of room. They have 5 cars for 3 people and park them in the carport, the drive and the front yard. The 2 car garage is full of junk. Instead of harvesting the wood, the removal company ran every bit of the trees through a chipper and hauled it away.

I grew up in a family who loved and nurtured trees, near Cleveland, Ohio, which has one of the best urban park systems in the U.S. When I was an adult, I planted trees every year that I could and joined The Arbor Day Foundation. Seeing an entire habitat destroyed, during nesting season no less, hit me hard. Every time I go out of my door, I see the ugly row of stumps where trees stood since we moved there in 1989. I think the saddest thing I ever saw was a squirrel sitting on one of the stumps a few days after the trees were gone.

The woman put a gift bag in my door Christmas Eve, and texted me it was there. I don't know if she thought a gesture would fix things. I want nothing from them and left the bag in the door overnight. I thought a lot about what I wanted to do. I was going to my daughter's house early Christmas day, so I took the bag over and set it behind one of the stone pillars at the end of their drive, with no comment. Even if I don't want to neighbor, I didn't want to dump this out on a holiday. Later, when I was at my daughter's she sent an angry text. I think they finally understand that I'm done with them. It doesn't matter to me if they know why.

I didn't mention this to my kids or anyone until now. This is not usual behavior for me and I am struggling with all of it. I think I followed the first part of the quote Lucky Charms shared, probably except for this will stay silent about the hurt I feel.

[erronis]

20. I'm glad you're letting us know what happened and the grief it caused.

I hope that by telling your story you can feel a bit better having shared the grief.

I guess that's true for a lot of situations we all have.

[Marthe48]

21. Thank you for understanding

'Getting it off your chest' has a lot of truth in it.

[debm55]

33. Marthe48 that is fine if the people you are dealing with are somewhat sane. I made the mistake of sending my family a

Last edited Fri Dec 27, 2024, 12:23 PM - Edit history (2)

card with a check. It was a disaster. They in need of a ride to their county seat. Neither my husband not I could do it. She told me the house would go to my brother and I would be in charge of property taxes, school taxes and utilities and food For both my house and my siblings house. I can't financially do it and the memories of the family abuse is still a trigger. But God says obey your parents. and they gave me life.

[electric_blue68]

36. Wait... Are you saying your mom (and your brother) expect...

"I will have to provide for the utilities and all the stuff that goes in to running a house including cooking and cleaning"

You are expected to pay for all of that, and pay someone to do the cooking, cleaning, or come, and do it yourself?

Well (and please excuse me)...

Oh, Hell, NO!!!
[Hey, I'm a brash NYC'r at times]

Please listen to me...
(We're [DU] IS pulling for you!)

Despite this....

"But my religion taught me to obey my parents? They gave me life.".

Oh, deb... They’re still abusing you emotionally, and now potentially financially (and physically if they want you to do the cooking, and cleaning as well!)

They're using (IMHO) your (I'm assuming, not always a good thing) devotion to Master Jesus (hey, I'm ex-Catholic, but Jesus was/is a Spiritual Master) to make you feel obligated to do this stuff!

Jesus pushed back at times!

They gave you life but, then abused you. What kind of life is that?

Right now - you need to be there for yourself, and Rich! To enjoy your life together!

With all the crap they've handed you - I pretty much say: You. Owe. Them. NOTHING.
Or do as little as possible for them if you must, and I mean Little! Ignore them, otherwise. I understand it's not easy!

I have a daar, dear 🥰 friend from Art Collge 1971 - 54 years(!). She's a devote Catholic (you know, I'm going to be embarrassed if you turn out to be Jewish - I grew up in a 2/3rds Jewish nabe 👍 ). At one point she finally had enough of taking guff from a then dear friend who'd get on their high horse time after time for a good while; finally said, "Enough!", and walked away.

I Sure Hope you don't take this as yelling, or something at you.
I just Hate Bullies!

Luckily, a rare experience for me in my 71 1/2 years, but I've heard about, seen, and read enough to know about them.

You; a kind, and interesting person (your question threads are fun, interesting). You deserve better. {hug}

[Demobrat]

38. But my religion taught me to obey my parents? They gave me life.".

You need a new religion. The one you have is ruining your life.

[debm55]

34. Sorry , Marthe48 I didn't mean to post to you. Dont know what to do now. As I meant to post to LuckyCharms. I am sorry.

[Clouds Passing]

19. Say it often and loud! Abuse is destroying this world, individually and globally!

Talk about it! Yell it! Scream it! Abuse is never okay!

Patriarchy and its sick ideals must end in order for the world to survive. It is a life of abuse and trauma in an endless loop.

We must come to a way of being which endorses healing, compassion and care for ourselves and each other!

[Escurumbele]

22. This is like "History will not be kind to so and so...", once we are dead we don't care what happens because we don't

know what is happening, and that is why I laugh when people say "History will not be kind to Mitch McConnell, or trump, or any of the criminals in the republican party.", if they don't care while they are alive, does anyone think they will care when they are dead? They are not in this World to build a legacy, good people do want a legacy, but crooks like those republicans we are dealing with care about today, the now, they are not thinking about what people will say about them when they are dead, least of all if they are going to get a medal for being crooks.

I don't want to minimize the thought, it is true but it won't move anyone on the bad side. We must understand that the "criminal mind" thinks and works different, they don't care. I am always reminded of the criminal, many years ago, who kidnapped a 12-year-old girl from her house, the day of her birthday, raped her, choked her to death, threw her body in some bushes, then two hours later was found in a bar having beers with "friends" and a jolly good time...the criminal mind does not have room for empathy, for caring, and least of all, for consequences or what history will say about them. Does anyone here believe trump cares about what history will say about him? I don't know that the buffoon has the capacity to think one day ahead, and least of all, have good thought in his head, he is a criminal all the way through, so he thinks like a criminal.

One last thing, when we begin to understand that the criminal mind works different, doesn't care about anything but their own benefits, we will stop hoping for change and instead start fighting hard to get these crooks out of power, electing people like AOC, and other new progressives who can change things for the better. republicans have made a campaign against Progressives, but their best republican president, Theodore Roosevelt, was a Progressive, today's republicans just want to be dictators, nothing else.

[mamacita75]

31. Legacy

I remember an interview that Bill Barr did (cannot cite where or when) he was asked about his legacy. He replied something about 'why would he care about that he would be dead.'

Nihilism, why would they care?

[littlemissmartypants]

23. We're all abused now...

It’s this...


Versus this...



This new administration is already using the methods shown in the Power and Control Wheel wheel. We deserve the Equality Wheel.

As the saying goes, the first step towards correction is identification.

❤️

[Zackzzzz]

26. Depending, I return in kind

[AZJonnie]

28. This is true, but you know what else you don't get an award for? BEING hurt in the first place.

I'm sorry if this sounds trite, and/or uncaring, but nobody can hurt me without my permission. In my life, if I don't feel like I deserve to be hurt (due to a misdeed of my own), I decline to feel hurt. I don't cede that power to others, and the words 'you made/make me feel like XYZ' are not in my vernacular, and that's by conscious choice. "Feeling hurt" is a voluntary reaction, just like "being ticklish". Yes, of course some pains are unavoidable, like if one's beloved spouse had an affair and then abandoned them, but most things? One actually can choose. Thus in my humble opinion, even better than 'speaking up when someone hurts you' ... is to choose not be hurt by whatever it was they said/did/didn't. There's no award for that either, but that's even more 'winning' if there were such accolades on offer. In any case, I hope whatever it is that pained you, the pain soon subsides. You're a great dude LC and I'm sure you didn't deserve bad treatment

[ReRe]

29. You know who you sound like, right?

One of our best First Ladies, Eleanor Roosevelt.

[AZJonnie]

40. I am not worthy ...

But thanks for putting me in the same sentence

[ReRe]

41. Of course you're worthy!

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." ``Eleanor Roosevelt

[mamacita75]

32. Just curious

what is your age? In the moment that is hard to accomplish, at least in my experience.

[AZJonnie]

42. I had the luxury of 'non-awareness' in formulating my response

By that, I mean LC did not mention the details of what caused him pain, so I felt free to speak on the subject from a '30,000 Foot Level', as the saying goes. "Life" is full of a LOT of crap that we have no control over, so I'll oft try to claw back a semblance of control from our unpredictable universe. Toward that end, something I've discovered over my 60-ish years on earth is that I actually CAN control how I react to the bullshit going on around me. There's a saying I learned by hanging out in various rooms, listening to people wiser than me, that goes along these lines: "What other people think of me is none of my business". It's so often that the source our pain arises from disappointment over what we think other people (must) think of us, and we take it heart because it 'feels right' that we 'should care'. But you actually don't HAVE to, and the only time it's really useful to do so is for the purpose of self-improvement. Put another way, try not let anyone hurt you unless you legitimately see how your personal failing(s) caused it, and in that situation, feel the pain, then, as quickly as possible, try to put it to productive use.

[debm55]

35. LuckyCharms post 33 was for you . I mistakenly posted to Marthe48

[Niagara]

39. I've had certain sentences that have resonated or spoken to me that I took notice

I've had that with song lyrics as well and sentences out of books.


I only recently came to realization that toxic family members aren't aware that they're toxic.