Trump To Americans: 'You Won't Have To Pay Your Son's Cell Phone Bill When He Dies At War'

[Yo_Mama_Been_Loggin]

Published:

March 6, 2026
WASHINGTON—Striking a note of optimism as the prospects for a protracted conflict with Iran grew likelier, President Trump on Friday urged Americans to bear in mind that they’ll no longer have to pay their son’s cell phone bill if he dies at war. “You may be grieving at first, but, believe me, you’ll be smiling when you see how much less you’re shelling out every month,” said Trump, adding that parents should bear in mind upon viewing their son’s flag-draped casket that they’ll not only save on their base family plan, but also enjoy lower taxes and fees, a cost reduction that will be reflected on the billing statement immediately following their child’s violent death. “If you’re lucky enough to lose two or more sons in the line of duty, you can really save a bundle. And you also have the option of extending savings to another relative by inviting them to fill the slot in the plan that your son occupied before he was killed. With savings like these, who’s gonna want this war to end?” Trump went on to remind Americans that they can also stop paying thousands in college tuition once their daughter dies receiving an unsanitary illegal abortion.


https://theonion.com/trump-to-americans-you-wont-have-to-pay-your-sons-cell-phone-bill-when-he-dies-at-war/

[Shellback Squid]

1. the sarcasm emoji just died

[OAITW r.2.0]

2. Went to link right away....because I no longer think Trump is incapable of making such an announcement.

[JBTaurus83]

3. I did the same

[haele]

4. Really bad when it does seem like something he would say.

A real "everyman", he is

[pat_k]

6. Me too.

[IronLionZion]

9. Same, I had to check

truth can be stranger than satire these days

[MustLoveBeagles]

5. I can see him saying that for real

Like some others I had checked the link.

[ananda]

7. I can't distinguish between Onion and reality any more.

!@#$%

[sakabatou]

8. I'm sure there will be a moment where The Onion has to pause

because of how absurd reality has gotten.

[PeaceWave]

10. Exceptionally poor taste for the Onion to publish a joke directed at Trump but...

at the expense of the families of American service members fallen in combat. Shame. And, I say this as someone who values satire.