Injured Cyclist Briefly Regains Consciousness To See RFK Jr. Dragging Him Into Kitchen

[Zorro]

MALIBU, CA—Groaning as his bruised head thumped along the tiled flooring, 35-year-old injured cyclist Paul Zablocki briefly regained consciousness to see Robert F. Kennedy Jr. dragging him by the legs into the former presidential candidate’s kitchen, sources reported Wednesday.

Confused and bleary-eyed upon awakening, Zablocki reportedly noticed a feral aroma of what seemed to be animal carcasses emanating from the room, and grew frightened after making eye contact with the environmental lawyer and conspiracy theorist, who gazed down at him while muttering, “Yes, this one is beautiful…perfect.”

According to sources, Kennedy then dropped the man on the floor with a thud, reached into a drawer, and finally began humming contentedly as he sharpened a set of knives.

At press time, sources confirmed the last thing Zablocki saw was Cheryl Hines walking through the kitchen and rolling her eyes.

https://theonion.com/injured-cyclist-briefly-regains-consciousness-to-see-rfk-jr-dragging-him-into-kitchen/

[magicarpet]

1. A chainsaw or a bone saw is so much quicker if RFKJr wanted to stuff him in the freezer for later dining enjoyment.

[Traildogbob]

2. Maybe Kennedy

Is why Trump is in love with Hannibal.

[Ocelot II]

3. The Onion almost had me at the headline.

[Blue Owl]

4. Bwah!

[0rganism]

5. For me, the true horror is that I didn't realize it was satire until I saw the URL

I was like, "Wow, this weird shit is going to be a problem for him when he runs for public office in the future. Will TSF still want his endorsement?"
OK onion, ya got me.

[allegorical oracle]

6. Too funny. Had a hunch before I read it. People forget that the bear he

trundled to Central Park was a baby -- a cub, which gave me extra sads.

[Jk23]

7. More Santa Clara than Malibu... NT