Breaking: Trump makes daily assassination attempts his sole campaign strategy
PALM BEACH, FLA, September 16, 2024 (Spurious News Network) — “It’s never been done before, and it’s sure to work,” said Helen Smith, the Trump Campaign’s new Director of Strategic Assassination Attempts.
In July, former president Trump, currently the Republican candidate for president, was conducting a campaign rally in Butler, Pa., when Thomas Matthew Crooks shot him in the ear. His polling numbers showed an immediate, albeit brief, increase.
“The problem we’re having right now with this campaign is no one really likes our candidates,” Ms. Smith reports. “Between the many legal troubles he has, his insanity, and the fact that his running mate just admitted to being a liar - plus Project 2025 and Taylor Swift endorsing someone who isn’t him, it’s getting harder by the day to get him back into office to make America great again. President Trump had a great solution: go for the sympathy vote. He said he got lots of sympathy after he was shot, so he ordered us to have at least one assassination attempt every day and three on Sunday. We all decided it was a great plan in that by the time the positive effects of him getting shot at today fade on Thursday he’s already been shot at three more times. He’s the greatest campaigner who ever lived so he knows everything about getting elected.”
When it was pointed out that this strategy might lead to him getting killed, she wasn’t bothered. “We pointed this out to him. His idea was to get off-duty Imperial Stormtroopers to be the assassins because they can’t hit anything. Since there aren’t any we just bought a case of blank ammo and told him we got Stormtroopers. He was fine with that.”
ST. MARIES, IDAHO, November 5, 2024 (Spurious News Network) — Lorraine Banderob has never voted for a Democrat in her life.
“That’s not really true. I always voted for Jack Buell for county commissioner, and he’s a Democrat. But it’s okay because Jack Buell pays all the taxes in this county himself so it’s okay if he spends his own money.”
That all changed today when Lorraine walked into this small city’s Cormana Building and proudly cast a vote for Vice President Kamala Harris, as did all the other 1900 voters here. Trump received two votes in this election, both from a family of patriots who live so far up in the woods they can’t watch TV.
When asked what changed her vote, Mrs. Banderob was quick to answer: “Anyone so hated that people try to kill him every day can’t possibly be any good.”